Midlife Woes Novel – “I want a divorce.” “Okay.” “What?” “I said okay.” I continued drinking my coffee and eating my homemade cinnamon roll dripping with icing that was fresh out of the oven. “You b-tch. After twenty-five years of marriage, that’s all you can say to me?” I didn’t even look in his direction. He was no more of a distraction than a buzzing fly or a gnat that was trying to crawl up my a-s. “I want you out of my house.” Now, see, that is where we part ways. I’ve lived in this house for more than twenty years, raised my children here, and put up with his bullsh-t for much longer than I should.
My only answer to his asinine statement was to pick up the steak knife I was supposed to be halving my cinnamon roll with and roll my eyes in his direction. He got the message real quick and stepped back. He stomped around the kitchen, banging pots on the counter and making a complete a-s of himself, so I picked up my phone and dialed my girlfriend, Sheila. “Did you confront him?” “I did.” “And what did he say?” “You know, the usual. It didn’t mean anything; it was a mistake, yada-yada-yada.” As if telling me, his wife and the mother of his children, that he f-cked some strange b-tch ‘just because’ was supposed to make it better. “Why are adulterers and adulteresses so dumb? Do they think telling their spouse that they f-cked them over for something that meant nothing makes it all better?” “Why are you always telling that b-tch my business? You see, this is why….” “Tell that motherf-cker to call me out my name one more time.”
I didn’t have to tell him s-it because she was screaming loud enough for him to hear her across the room. Coward that he is, he swallowed and zipped his yap. “Sheila, what the he-l kind of friend are you?” “What do you mean?” “Twenty-five years ago, when you were standing up as my maid of honor, couldn’t you have spilled some s-it on my wedding gown? How could you have subjected me to this a-shole for the best years of my life?” “Best years, my a-s girlie, we are in our prime. You are prime f-cking real estate girlfriend.” I can’t keep up with her craziness half the time, but this I have got to hear. “What the he-l does that mean?” “Girl, are you for real? You’ve got the kids; the last one just left the nest for college; you’re not the one who cheated; you’re going to clean up in the divorce and make sure you keep that kicka-s house; that pool is good for some midnight swims.” “Your a-s can’t see at night what swimming?” Her husband teased her in the background.
“Shut your a-s before I send you the way of doofus McRooney over there.” That’s the name she’d taken to calling my soon-to-be ex since we found out about his affair with the young girl less than half his age. Kevin the worm was looking kinda antsy, so I kept an eye on him out the side of my eye because he’s been acting very out of character since I confronted him with all the evidence last night. I’m not sure what his problem is; I mean, he’s the one who stepped out on our marriage. All I did was confront him, and when I didn’t kick up the fuss, he expected his little feelings got hurt. All I want is what’s coming to me, and Sheila’s right; I’ve already raised my four kids, and my baby just left for college. My two oldest are already done, the third is about to be done, and it’s looking like my life is now about to begin. Don’t get me wrong; I haven’t always been this cold and disinterested. I used to love my husband and thought I always would. We had the kind of relationship that everyone envied; our house was the place everyone in the neighborhood gravitated to.
I would’ve died for my husband or any one of my children up until a few days ago. But that was before I saw the words ‘I love you’ written by my husband to some little floozy down the street. He didn’t even have the decency to take that s-it elsewhere; no, he went off and f-cked the sister of my oldest son’s friend. I didn’t know it was possible, but as soon as I read that text, every bit of love I ever had for him died on the spot. I didn’t argue with him, just told him that I knew, and when he started the backtracking gymnastics, I walked my happy a-s off to bed and left him standing there. I didn’t close the bedroom door against him and didn’t acknowledge him when he came to bed. I just put on my eye mask, turned out my bedside light, and slept in my usual position. I don’t think he slept a wink because he must’ve been too afraid that I would roll over and smother him in his sleep. He needn’t have worried. Something he seems to have forgotten about me is that when I’m done, I’m done. You can’t argue with a dead person, I’m not nuts, and this a-shole is D.E.A.D dead to me.
I already sent a text to all my kids first thing this morning telling them to be home this weekend or else. All their follow-up questions had gone unanswered other than the reassurance that their father and I were still alive and healthy. But if this a-shole doesn’t get out of here and go find his sl-t down at his office, he’s gonna make a liar out of me. “Talk to me, Jolene.” “Sheila, you ever heard of the dead talking? I think I got what that little boy had.” “What little boy?” “From that movie, The Sixth Sense. I swear I hear dead people talking.” She knew d-mn good and well what was going on and busted a gut laughing. “That’s my girl. Let me get my dead weight out the door, and I’ll be right over there.” She and her husband started fussing at each other before she hung up the phone. I ignored my ex-a-shole as he stomped toward the door with his briefcase in his high-power suit and finished off the last of my coffee.
I will never forgive this prick for the hurt I saw in my children’s eyes that Saturday morning. He’d spent the better part of the week begging me not to tell them, asking for a trial separation and anything else he could think of to get me to stay. I was staying alright, but his a-s wasn’t. I’d already contacted a lawyer, and she was ready to rock and roll. In this state, they frown on adultery, and as a SAHM, I stand to make out like a lark. I wonder what kind of conversation he had with his d-ck when he made that very expensive move. That little girl has got to be the most expensive call girl in the world because she was about to cost his a-s millions. Sheila does know her stuff, and although she’s not a divorce attorney, she’d put me onto one in her firm that she knew was a man-eating nutjob who had blood in her eyes anytime anything with a d-ck was mentioned.
Add in adultery against his poor beleaguered wife who’d been tied to the stove for twenty-something-odd years while raising his kids, and well, by the time she was through telling me what all she was going to take him for, I was almost sorry for his dumb a-s. I, of course, didn’t tell her about the nanny who had been with me when the kids were much younger or the housekeeper who’s been with me for years. It’s not like I sat on my a-s all day, but with four children only a couple of years apart, I needed all the help I could get. The housekeeper kept the house, and the nanny was there to pick up the slack when I had too many irons in the fire. I was a devoted wife who f-cked that snake whenever he wanted because I appreciated the life he’d made for me and my children and never left his upkeep to anyone else. So he-l yeah, I’m taking every d-mn thing I can get. If he thinks I’m going to let him and his little trumpet live high on the hog on what’s rightfully mine, he can k-ss my a-s.
Now, mind you, I don’t believe in women scalping men who don’t deserve it. There are some bed-hopping heifers out there who treat men like s-it and take them to the cleaners after doing them wrong. I don’t ride on that train. But if you think that Sam Walters’s daughter is going to sit back and let some man cheat on her and then walk away with everything, then you don’t know me very well. My vindictive a-s can plot better than Napoleon. I don’t know why my husband forgot who he was married to. He forgot that I have a Ph.D. and the mind of a shark. What he didn’t know about me is that I know how to stay calm in the eye of the storm because we never really had to face one on this scale before. I’m no fool. I know that flying off the handle and acting a fool will make me lose sight of the issues at hand. Once my love died, it was time to destroy everything in my path.
But I’m not about to break my Baccarat crystal because of his stupid a-s. I’ll do my destroying in front of the judge. I have all my ducks in a row, thank you very much, something he doesn’t know. He has no idea that I’ve already seen the lawyer and started divorce proceedings. That lady shark was in his a-s before I left her office. She had a financial investigator on the job and was already adding up his s-it, probably before I made it back to my car. The only thing I had left to do was tell my kids. My soon-to-be ex, the man I had trusted to protect me and mine my whole married life, tried to slither out the door before the kids arrived, but they would’ve found his lifeless carcass on the kitchen floor if he took one step out of this house which is what I told him when he tried.