His Bittersweet Regret Novel – I have started my lives together with Marsh at fifteen, and neither of us has ever been with anyone else. “What are you going to do if you are pregnant?” I whispered to Bethany, my best friend since seventh grade, and the only person who didn’t seem to have an issue with the fact that I’d found my soulmate at fifteen. She thought it was romantic that we had stuck together this long and still seemed happier than ever together. “No clue,” Bethany mumbled. “What are you doing?” She asked as I grabbed one of the ten pregnancy tests she had purchased from the pharmacy earlier. I shrugged my shoulders. “Figured I’d take one with you. Bestie solidarity!” Bethany laughed and then hugged me as we each held a test in our hands.
“Thanks, O. I needed that laugh.” “You probably needed the laugh more than you needed all ten of these tests. Why so many?” It was her turn to shrug. “I didn’t know if one worked better than the others. Why don’t you go first?” I laughed at her. “I’m not even the one who thinks she’s pregnant, but fine, chicken. I’ll go first.” I took the test to the bathroom and peed on the stick. As I left the bathroom, I let her know that I’d left mine on the back of the toilet so that it was out of the way and wouldn’t get mixed up with the three she took in with her, since she’d need more counter space. It took Bethany a few minutes to come back out, which made me nervous for her. “Everything okay in there?” I asked. When my bestie opened the door, I realized that none of her boxes were even opened yet. “Um, Opal,” she started to say. “What? They all have pretty simple directions.
You basically pee on the end of each stick and then set it down to wait three-to-five minutes for them to process.” “Opal!” She startled me with the urgency in her tone. “Look,” she pointed to the back of the toilet, where my test sat. I moved toward the toilet, thinking maybe some pee had been dribbling off the test, and grossed her out or something. That wasn’t what startled my friend though. As I glanced down, I realized why she was so concerned. My test, the one I only took to make her feel better, was positive. “This can’t be,” I whispered after picking the test up to examine it, as if that would make the results different. “I’m so sorry I made you take a test with me,” she apologized. I shook my head to dismiss her apology.
“It’s not like the outcome would change. I just wouldn’t have known for a while longer. Hurry up and take yours,” I pushed her back into the bathroom while taking my own positive test with me. Briefly, I wondered if maybe I should take another one, just to verify, but then the ache in my overly tender breasts reminded me that I still hadn’t had a period this month, even though it was… I glanced at my phone and the period tracker I had there. “More than two weeks overdue,” I mumbled to myself. How had I not realized sooner? There was work, and all the worries on my mind lately about everyone trying to sabotage my relationship with Marsh, even though I thought he was headed in a completely different direction. I had honestly expected him to take the next step toward becoming more serious, not less.
Ugh! I had to stop thinking about his stupid brothers. When Bethany finally came back out of the bathroom, it was with three pregnancy test sticks and a guilty look on her face. “Not you too?” I asked, feeling sympathetic, because she was not in a committed relationship the way I was. Marsh and I weren’t necessarily ready to have kids yet, but we were financially stable together, and in a healthy relationship. “No, I’m not. I just feel bad that…” “Stop!” I told her in no uncertain terms. “It’s fine. You did me a favor because now I know and can start planning on getting to the doctor. There are vitamins I need to take, I think. Obviously, I need to buy a book about pregnancy or something,” I rambled. She just stood there staring at me, and my brain spewed the first thing to come to mind in my nervousness. “Beth, what would you have done if you were pregnant? Do you know who the father might have been?” “Wow! That’s kind of an terrible thing to ask,” she snapped at me.
“Sorry, it’s just that you’ve gone out with several guys, and I’m worried about you. If you thought you were pregnant, then are you being careful? I don’t want to see you end up with a baby to take care of on your own, let alone whatever diseases might be possible.” “I know, I’m sorry I snapped at you. Honestly, I’m just angry with myself because I don’t know. And God help me, I wouldn’t even know how to get in contact with two of the guys because they were just random Tinder hookups.” She moved to hug me and once again, I had to stop her. “Can you throw your pee sticks away and wash your hands before we hug it out?” I asked. Both of us laughed as she did just that. I’d already placed my test into a plastic Ziplock bag so that I could show it to Marsh when he got home. We hadn’t really talked much since the party a few nights ago because of our work schedules. He also had to go help his family with a few things that had been keeping him busy and away from the apartment.
“What are you going to do?” Bethany asked. “Bring my baby up with two loving parents. I think Marsh is hunting for an engagement ring. He’s been a little cagey lately, and I bet anything he’s worried about getting something I won’t like.” I laughed lightly at the thought. “Honestly, I’ll love anything he brings to me because I’ll know it was from the heart.” “Aww, you two are so sweet.” I grinned at her. “I wish I could find what you have with Marsh.” A worried look consumed her then, and I poked her in the side to get her to spill. We didn’t keep secrets. “What’s wrong?” “Please, don’t take this the wrong way because I know you hear it far too often.
I’m not saying it like the others do, but what if something happens between you and Marsh? What if the others truly get into his head about how he needs to split up with you and go every available woman in the country before deciding to settle down?” I laughed at the thought. “That would never happen, Beth. You know Marsh.” “Sure, but what if?” “Then, at least I’ll still be able to tell my child, or children, that they were brought into this world because their mom and dad loved one another. I don’t want them to think they were an accident from a night of sloppy intercourse with a stranger who never deserved my time.” I gave my bestie a knowing look. “I know. I know. Trust me, I learned a lesson this month.”
“There’s no judgment here, but Beth, if you really want something like what Marsh and I have, you won’t find it on Tinder or by hopping into bed with a man before you even know his name.” “You’re right.” She agreed as her teeth sunk into her bottom lip and sad eyes moved to meet my own. “I always thought it would be Brix,” she admitted. I knew about Beth’s crush on Marsh’s brother since we were in middle school, but the bad man had never given my best friend the time of day. Brix being blind to my friend’s crush wasn’t what made him terrible. He couldn’t be held at fault for not being attracted to my best friend. It meant his taste in women was questionable, but didn’t make him the jackass that he was.
He did that part all on his own in so many other ways. “He’s a jerk of the highest order, Beth. It’s time to forget the crush and move on. Lord knows, he isn’t waiting around for anyone.” “I know that too,” she lamented. There had been many nights when we would all go out and she’d have to watch him leave with a different woman each time. I understood her heartache, even as I was glad I never had to suffer through it the way she did. What I would never understand is what she saw in Brixton Kennedy. He really was a class-A jerk. “Are you going to tell Marsh tonight?” She finally asked me. “No, I’m going to get an appointment with my doctor, so I can verify I’m really pregnant before I tell him.
Hopefully, I’ll get one of those sonogram pictures of the black and white blob that everyone is always going on about. Then, I can put it in a little card and hand it to him or something.” I contemplated all the ways I might surprise my man with the news of our growing family. As I planned how to spring the news on him, I grew more and more excited at the prospect of seeing his face when he found out. “I wish I could be there to see his face,” Beth told me, as if reading my mind. “It’s going to suck having to keep the news to myself for a few days while waiting for an official confirmation. Please, don’t tell anyone.” “My lips are sealed.” – A week went by since I took that test with Bethany, and today was the day I was finally able to get into the doctor.
Marsh knew I had an appointment and would be late getting home. If the doctor confirmed my pregnancy, I’d have the test plus a sonogram photo – I hoped – to take to him to help me deliver the news. My nerves were a little frayed thinking about it because Marsh had been a bit distant lately. I wondered if the funny looks he’d been giving me were because we were so in-tune with one another and he already knew, but was waiting on me to tell him. Then again, it could have been because he was still trying to figure out if the ring he was thinking about getting would be the one I wanted. Our plan had been to finish college, get a year in with both of us employed in our chosen fields, and then take that plunge when we were secure and well on our way to being able to save for our own house instead of renting the apartment we were in.
We had six months left on our lease, and just enough between the two of us for a small down payment on a starter home. Neither of us wanted a huge wedding that would dip into our savings, so we were just going to do something small with our closest friends and family in attendance, but even that might set us back a tiny bit. – “Are you sure about this, Marshall?” Our landlord, Gary, asked me. He was a nice, retired man who acted as sort of a grandfather to Opal and me since we moved into the apartment building. My gut clenched again. The nerves about confronting Opal left a sick feeling in my stomach as I handed the money to him. “I’m sure. I already moved all my things out today.” Gary’s head shook back and forth twice before he bowed it in what I could only assume was disappointment. “Opal is going to be devastated.
Did she even have a clue you were going to do this?” I swallowed thickly, trying to ease the growing ache in my chest. He wasn’t wrong. She would be broken. I was about to break the love of my life and for what? To see what the bachelor life was like that my brothers and best friend kept bragging about? I wasn’t sure if those experiences would be worth what I was about to do. “I hope you know what you’re doing, boy. Some mistakes we make can’t be taken back. Have you really considered the ramifications? What if you realize Opal is the only woman for you, but while you’re gone she discovers a new man? He might not be right for her, but she might stick with him stubbornly because he’s the one that is there for her after you left her high and dry.” “That’s not fair, Gary. I’m not leaving her high and dry. I just paid for her rent for the next six months.”
“Yeah? Where’d the money come from, son?” “I was saving it for her engagement ring,” I mumbled. He chuckled, but I didn’t hear an ounce of humor in the sound. “Her engagement ring, huh? Bet she’s expecting that’s why you’ve been acting a bit of a fool lately. Poor girl probably thinks you’re gonna get down on bended knee any day now. Boy, you seriously need to rethink this. I’ve seen you two together. Never in my life seen two people in love. Why are you doing this? Every man gets cold feet at some point, but what you’re doing… What you’re about to do to that girl, son I don’t think you realize that there might not be any coming back from it.” “I know what I’m doing, Gary. I have thought about it.” He scoffed at me. “Think your brothers have been in your head so much you ain’t actually doing the thinking. This is them, telling you the grass is greener. It ain’t greener, son. It’s messier, and you do this, that mess will follow you no matter what happens.
Broken hearts never get put back together the same way.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “It means, even if she’s still waiting for you, when you face bravely, she won’t be the same sweet girl you know. She’ll be different, broken, and that change will be on your shoulders.” Gary turned away from me then, and went back into his own apartment. He owned the whole building, but kept the entire first floor to himself, besides the entryway that led to the stairs that went up to the second and third-floor apartments. My head hung low on my shoulders as I climbed the steps up to the apartment I’d shared with Opal for the past year and a half. When I opened the door, it was like walking into a stranger’s house.
There was nothing left of me inside. I moved to the couch, the one that faced the front door, and waited for Opal to come home. She had a doctor appointment after work today. I figured she was just going in for a regular checkup, I hadn’t even asked her what she was going there for. It didn’t matter anyway. I guess, from now on, it wouldn’t be my business to know. My stomach lurched again, queasiness rolled through me, burning my insides with the acid that rumbled around in there. My brother’s voices taunted my mind, reminding me, I was doing the right thing. Opal and I had to know, once and for all, that we were meant to be. There was no other way to know that without giving ourselves time apart to discover it.
Gary’s question came to mind then. What if Opal found someone else? I shook that idea off immediately. She would hate this idea. She would never agree to a break like this. There was a time, before college, when she might have. That time had long passed. It was why I’d cleared the house of all my belongings before she could get home. She was going to need a clean break, but I didn’t worry about her going out with other men. She would still be there when the six months were up. I knew it. Forty-five grueling minutes later, keys jingled outside the door, indicating that Opal was finally home. When she came walking through the door, it was with a giant smile on her beautiful face. She radiated beauty in a way she hadn’t in a while.
She had always been gorgeous to me, but there was something extra about her as I took in that smile and everything else about her. Opal’s hair seemed shinier and her skin was glowing with a fresh radiance that made her smile feel brighter. Maybe she had gone to a beauty salon while she was out? That was probably it. I noticed the gift bag in her hand, and winced, worried that she might have picked up a surprise for me on the day I was about to leave her. “Oh, good! You’re here. I have a surprise for you!” She all but squealed in her giddy excitement. “Opal, you need to come sit down and…” I saw it then. When it dawned on her that the apartment was not as she’d left it this morning. “W-what’s going on?”
Her voice trembled as she asked the question. “Please, come sit down for a minute.” I indicated the chair, instead of the empty space beside me on the couch. There was no way I could handle her being near enough to touch. She did as I asked, but the glowing color on her skin that I’d just been admiring seemed to dim under the trepidation in her voice as she asked again, “What’s going on, Marsh? Where’s…” she glanced around, trying to take inventory of what was missing. “Opal, I’m leaving. I moved my stuff out already,” I blurted. “I thought it would be better this way. I just saw Gary and paid the rent for the next six months, so you don’t have to worry about the rest of the lease.” “You what?” She asked as a tear ran down her cheek.
I tried to ignore it, even though everything in me wanted to pull the woman into my arms and hold her, comfort her, until… Until what? I didn’t know anymore. I was leaving her. There wouldn’t be anyone to comfort her once I left. I felt like a complete tool for the first time that day as I realized the impact this little talk was about to have. “I’m leaving. I think we need some time apart to just be single, to explore life a little outside of our relationship.” A sob broke free from her, parting her lips with the anguished sound that nearly broke me as I sat there watching. “Why, Marsh?” “Neither of us has ever been with anyone else. Don’t you think that’s weird?” I asked. “No. I always thought we were lucky,” she insisted. “We found each other and never had to deal with the baggage and rotten exes the way all of our friends and family have.”
I swallowed thickly again when the emotion clogged my throat. She had a point, and a good one. Gary said something very similar to me earlier that day, but it hadn’t clicked fully during that earlier conversation. Still, my brothers were right. It was weird, and this separation had to happen. If for no other reason, my brothers would never truly accept Opal as a member of the family if they thought she was the one thing holding me back from experiencing all life had to offer. “I love you, Opal. You’ll see that this is the right thing to do, and in six months, if we decide we’re still right for each other, we’ll know beyond a doubt.” I stood then, because if I stayed much longer, she might convince me to change my mind. I got almost to the door when her voice made me turn back to see her standing there holding the gift bag limply in her fingers.
“I had a surprise for you,” she all but whispered. The words were like a symphony of misery, difficult to make out around the tears she shed. “You should just keep it. I don’t deserve any surprise you might have for me.” Then I left our apartment – her apartment now – and didn’t look back. I couldn’t. It was all too much and I hated my brothers, my best friend, and most of all myself as I walked to my truck while Gary sat on the front stoop, watching in judgment, and shaking his head at me as I went. – “Did that just happen?” I asked the empty apartment. Then I glanced around, and it truly was devoid of anything that made it ‘ours’. Now, the space felt cold and unloved, or maybe that was just me and my pitiful little heart.
Here, I had been waiting for him to get me the perfect ring, and instead he had been busy planning his getaway. The gift bag in my hand suddenly felt like it weighed far more than its contents. Inside, had been a sonogram picture of our little blob, the pregnancy test (in the Ziplock bag still), and a love letter from me, telling him how he was going to become an amazing father, and I couldn’t wait to see how he cherished my growing belly, and eventually our little one, because I just knew that each of those moments would make me fall in love with him all over again. Those moments would no longer come to fruition. He wanted six months on his own to see if he could find something better than me. The sniffles that followed those thoughts were outrageous, as were the tears. My heart ached with a physical pain I didn’t know was possible.
I didn’t know what to do. The bag hung onto my fingers for a moment longer, before it slipped off and landed with a small thud on the hardwood floor in front of the chair. The hardwood floor… Marshall had taken the rug that he had picked out, the one that made our apartment seem a bit tacky, since the blue and gold design didn’t quite go with the green chair and tan sofa we had picked up secondhand. I sat there staring at the bag at my feet, on the floor, for what must have been hours. The sun had gone down at some point and bathed the room in the soft glow of a full moon. I stood and moved to the bathroom, only because nature called and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. When I was done, and moved to the sink to wash my hands, there was a vacant spot on the counter where all of his toiletries had been just that morning.
Fresh tears sprang free from my eyes as I moved to our bedroom to see that all of his clothes were missing, along with the sheets he had picked out that had been on the bed when I left. The last sheets I bought were too girly for him, so he’d gone and picked out a more neutral pair. They were missing from the bed they’d been on only hours ago. His scent was lacking from the room too, having dissipated as anything he’d touched had been removed. There was nothing left.