After Eleven Novel – I realize that my marriage, my partnership, is in a much worse state than the roommate stage. “Do you call her your work wife?” “Yeah, as a joke. It doesn’t mean anything.” “It makes me uncomfortable.” “Where is this coming from, Liv? You’ve never been jealous of a random coworker before.” “You really think that I’m jealous? Callum, I’m uncomfortable because I feel that you making that joke is disrespectful to our relationship.”
Liv It’s 10:45 when I hear Cal’s key in the door, the deadbolt sliding back into place. I can hear him try to avoid the creaky spots in our old floorboards, but they’re all creaky. He waits until he’s in our adjoining bathroom to turn the light on and start his shower. It doesn’t really matter, because I can’t bring myself to admit that I stayed up even later for him. It’s 11:00 when he slips into bed and I realize that my marriage, my partnership, is in a much worse state than the roommate stage. If there’s one thing that I can count on, it’s that my alarm will go off at 5:15. Cal can sleep through almost anything, so It’s never been a huge issue that I’m an early riser and he’s a night owl. This morning, however, I don’t take the extra care that I usually do to be quiet while he sleeps.
I roll out of bed and let my pillow flop behind me. I turn the light on in the bathroom before I close the door, and I close the door harder than I usually would. I’m being passive aggressive, which I usually hate, but I’m feeling raw and neglected and if Cal wanted more sleep then he should have been home earlier. The hot shower doesn’t do much for me this morning, and it’s because I can still feel a balloon of anxiety in my diaphragm. Even though I love Cal, and I know that he loves me, there is a bone-deep uneasiness that I feel this morning. Something slimy and foreboding that sticks inside. The sound of the bathroom door opening and then snicking shut breaks me out of my trance, and I stop staring at the wall. I know Cal woke up, probably because of me, but I did most of the talking yesterday and I feel like it’s his turn. Instead, I turn to our shower caddy and pick up my favorite overpriced shampoo. “Can I join you?” I move the shower curtain to peek at Cal, and I probably shouldn’t have. The dark green of the curtain gives the hot shower a feel of safety that rushes out and is replaced by cold air. Now I’m chilly, but I take a second to look at my husband. He has always been gorgeous, to me and most other people.
Teetering between 5’11” and 6′, Cal keeps in shape and has an olive tone to his skin that gives him a year round tan. He doesn’t have a 6-pack, but regular visits to the gym and a healthy diet have kept him muscular, with a little belly that shows he still enjoys ice cream with his daughter and a few glasses of whiskey every week. His hair is dark and thick, and compliments the beard that he brushes and oils every day. When we were dating, he kept it stubbly but I kept getting rashes so he grew it out and it’s done wonders for him. A sharp jaw, strong dimpled chin, and wide shoulders round out a truly delicious package. If we were having this conversation yesterday, I would have relished the opportunity to let him wash my hair, which has always been a particular favorite ritual between us. I don’t remember the last time I felt his hands on my scalp, though, and that adds a bitter sadness to the anxiety I’m feeling. “No thanks, I’m almost done.” Even to my own ears my voice sounds too nonchalant. I’m working conditioner into the ends of my hair when he tries again, probably not expecting my rejection after the way that I’ve been clinging to him when he’s home these last few weeks. “I’m sorry that I was short with you on the phone yesterday, and I’m sorry that I came home late after promising that I would be home at 9.
It was sh-tty of me to do that, and I don’t like how I treated you yesterday.” That’s a start, maybe. “I also don’t like how you treated me yesterday. Thank you for apologizing for coming home late, but I think that we have larger issues that need to be resolved. I’ve been dancing around this for a while because I understand that you’ve been busy and stressed with work, but I feel like Annie and I barely get to see you. When you are home, it feels like your mind is somewhere else and she and I are both struggling.” “Can we finish this conversation when you’re out of the shower? I don’t like having this kind of conversation when I can’t look at you.” Luckily for him, I finished washing my face and rinsing my hair when he was talking. I lean over to shut off the water and give myself one more desperate moment in my warm shower cocoon, but all things must end. I pull open the shower curtain and Cal is now leaning against the sink, brushing his teeth. Without saying anything, I move to take my toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet at my side of the sink. He hands me the toothpaste and we begin the mundane task of brushing our teeth, me dripping water onto the rug and him taking furtive glances out of the corner of his eye. Cal and I have had great chemistry, even through pregnancy and postpartum.
That’s part of why our recent distance has felt so much worse to me. We have always enjoyed the daily ritual of caring for eachother, and building intimacy and connection through a long hug, quick k-sses, brushing the other person’s hair, or a scratch of the nails down the back. We haven’t had that in a while, and it isn’t until now that I have to swallow the hard truth that my husband doesn’t touch me anymore. I’ve been the one reaching out, and maybe I’ve been overcompensating because I subconsciously realize that he isn’t engaging with me anymore. Maybe I’m touching him too much, trying too hard, and pushing him away as a result. As I stare at myself in the mirror and finish brushing my teeth, I suddenly cannot stand being n-ked around him. I don’t want to feel his glances, or risk brushing against him without the barrier of clothes between us. When I drop my toothbrush back in the medicine cabinet I pivot to our towel rack and wrap myself securely in one of our big waffle knit bath sheets. “Don’t cover up on my behalf?” I spare him a glance before starting my morning body and face routine. “This isn’t funny, Cal, and I don’t want to feel this way about you and be n-ked at the same time.” “Feel what way about me?” He also starts his routine, and I know it as well as my own. Face wash, moisturizer, beard oil and brush, hair pomade, deodorant, cologne.
I can list off the steps and I repeat it in my head to help me refocus. “I am feeling incredibly vulnerable around you right now. I am hurt and disappointed that you came home an hour and 45 minutes after you said that you would be home. I was very clear yesterday that I was upset about you lying to your coworkers about why I wouldn’t be at the happy hour, and I wanted to be able to talk about that with you. Now that I have had more time to think, I am realizing how disjointed we have become and how little intimacy we have in our current relationship. I feel like we have a much more serious issue on our hands than a lie about a happy hour.” I’m onto my hair routine as my serums soak in, and I think about what I have on my agenda today. No client meetings, so I can be a bit more casual. I throw in some air dry clean and decide on going with my natural waves today. “Live, I agree that what I did yesterday was sh-tty. I came home later than I should, but I don’t think that being home at 10 instead of 9 is anything deeper than me losing track of time. I can work on that but I don’t want us to tiptoe around each other.
Again, I’m sorry for being late and snipping at you on the phone. I also didn’t ask you to come because I didn’t want you to sacrifice your time to come to a borning work event with your husband’s coworkers.” “It’s not just about you being late one night or not wanting to burden my feelings. You came home almost two hours late, Callum. I waited on the couch until 10:15 and I was awake when you got home. Two hours is not losing track of time, it’s a choice that you made to not be considerate of my feelings. You’re an adult, and you have no problem being on time to the things that you care about.” “I-,” he’s already trying to respond the second that I take a breath. “Wait a second, I am not done. I need to finish this thought and then I will listen to you.” He nods at me through the mirror to keep going. “It hurts my feelings that you didn’t even ask if I wanted to go. I have been taking on the vast majority of childcare for the last few months that you’ve been chasing after CXE. You haven’t had to think about who has Annie or if her needs are being met, because I stepped up to the plate when you told me that you would be busy. Fine, I get that not everything is 50/50 the whole time and I want to support your ambitions.
But it’s been two months, and in that time you haven’t been considering my need to get out of the house without a toddler. I would have loved the chance to get dressed up and talk to people our age but instead of that chance, you decided for me that I was better off spending another night doing dinner, bath time, and night time stories by myself. How is that a break? A break would have been to skip a happy hour and spend one on one time with a daughter who has been missing you every day.” The more that I talk the more that a hot spear of anger deflates the anxiety in my gut. Jesus, I am angry at my husband and I hate how that feels. I move into our bedroom to grab my clothes for the day. “You’re right, and I didn’t realize how much I would be taking on with this project. I miss you and Annie all the time, and I think about my family constantly. But this would be a huge step for my career, and I want to be in a good financial position for a second baby, or a vacation, or college funds. This project can give me that. Can you stick this out a little longer? We present in a week and either way it goes I’ll have more time to be at home.” I’m dressed in bike shorts and one of my favorite old college shirts by the time Cal moved to our bedroom to choose his suit. “I didn’t call you yesterday to ask about the happy hour, at least not entirely.
We got hung up on it and now I have noticed more, but that wasn’t what sparked this.” He’s looking at me wearily while he secures his cufflinks, but doesn’t say anything. “Who is Emily?” He ducks his gaze to the tie he’s securing, but my heart clenches because he’s been wearing a tie since he was 18. He could tie a double Windsor with his eyes closed and doesn’t need to watch his hands for a single knot. “She’s an architectural consultant who he hired for this project.” “Do you call her your work wife?” “Yeah, as a joke. It doesn’t mean anything.” “It makes me uncomfortable.” “Where is this coming from, Liv? You’ve never been jealous of a random coworker before.” “You really think that I’m jealous? Callum, I’m uncomfortable because I feel that you making that joke is disrespectful to our relationship. Furthermore, we have not been in a spot like this before and I feel like our relationship is weaker than it’s ever been. If we were doing well and I felt like you were actively engaged with me then, yeah, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. But you aren’t and I do. Are you listening to me?
Because it feels like you think this is just a snippy little argument about a coworker and a party. This is serious Callum, and I’m not sure that you’re listening to me enough to understand the gravity of this conversation. “Of course I understand that this is serious. I’ve never seen you act like this before so I get that this is different, but I still feel like this will get worked out when this project is finished and I can be more present with you and Annie. I know that we’re not seeing each other very much and I’m not handling this workload as well as I thought I could, but that’s temporary. We’ll be back to us soon.” “I’m not sure that’s true Cal. This feels big.” “Well try to remember that we love each other, and we’re in this together. We’ll get out on the other side.”
Callum It’s almost 6:00 before we come up for air. Jaime and the rest of the team are either out grabbing dinner or on a break; Emily and I have moved to one of the larger conference rooms to spread out and run through the deck on the large screen. The air of urgency we had this morning has eased a bit, now that we’re all seeing the evidence of how hard we have worked on this pitch in the last few weeks. We’re in a good place and everyone has been able to take their first deep breath since we heard that we needed to present this proposal in person and a week ahead of schedule. “Thank you for what you said last week.” “Hmm?” I’m a bit absentminded when I reply to Emily, trying to think about the last time that I ate.” “My little meltdown that you caught. I appreciate that you were nice about it and didn’t make anything weird.” Emily seems almost shy, which is at odds with her usually confident personality. “Don’t worry about it. Changing jobs and then immediately jumping into a stressful project is rough.” “Either way, I just wanted to say thank you. You’ve really helped to make the transition easier.”
She puts her hand on my bicep and looks me in the eye to drive her point home. “Hey,” I hear from the doorway behind us. It catches me off guard and I jerk my arm from underneath Emily’s hand before jumping out of my chair. I turn to my wife, who standing in the doorway with a takeout bag. Her gaze jumps from me to Emily, who is still seated at the table. “Am I interrupting? Jaime said that you all had broken for the night but I couldn’t get ahold of you. I figured you were into something and would need dinner.” She doesn’t move to come any closer to me, and the distance feels cavernous, instead of a few feet. “Of course not. Yeah, most people headed home and we were just getting ready to head out.” I move towards her but before I can reach her she holds the takeout bag straight between us and I’m left with no choice but to take it and remain standing a foot or so away from her. “Hi! I’m Emily, it’s nice to meet you.” Emily is standing beside me now and offering a wave to Liv. Liv nods her head, “Ahh yes, it’s very nice to meet you. Were you one of the people brought on for this project?” “Yeah, it’s been crazy but such a great opportunity. Working with Callum as much as we have been on this project has been great.
It’s nice to be in an environment with coworkers who are as intense and dedicated as he is, and who spend the necessary time to make these projects successful.” I look down and Emily has her hand on my arm again. I subtly shift away under the pretense of moving the food bag to my other arm. “Yes, he certainly is dedicated to his work. I’m glad to hear that he’s been working with you. Callum has always been patient about helping people who need a little extra.” I frown at that because Liv’s voice feels uncomfortably close to patronizing, and I don’t like being discussed as if I’m not here. At the same time, there’s something in the tone or body language between Liv and Emily that cautions me not to get in between them. “Anyway, I’ll head out. I also found this near the sink, and wanted to make sure that you had it.” Liv grabs something from her pockets and my face flushes. In her hand is my wedding ring, forgotten when I took it off to wash dishes this morning. “You’re married?”
Emily asks me, almost accusingly, at the same time that I say, “I forgot to grab it after I showered.” Liv raises her eyebrows at me and I can feel the flush on my face get worse. “Yeah, I’m married. This is my wife, Liv, and I know that you’ve heard that name before.” Everyone I work with knows about Liv, and most of them are friendly with her or ask me about her and Annie on a regular basis. “Oh yeah, I think that I’ve heard your name from Jaime! I just didn’t make the connection that you and Callum were also together.” “You didn’t notice my ring?” There is no way Emily didn’t know that I’m married. “Not really. I really am sorry, it’s just that most of the family guys keep pretty strict hours so I guess I just didn’t think. Anyway, it was so nice to meet you Liv. It’s really sweet that you brought dinner. See you later, Callum. I’ll text you again if anything comes up but I’m feeling ready for this trip!” Emily gathers her bag and heads past Liv and out of the doorway. There’s more uncomfortable silence.
Callum “How often are you forgetting your ring if she didn’t even know that you’re married?” I can see that Liv is hurt, and I need to squash this line of thought before it can go any further. “I only take it off to protect it, Liv. I’m not sure how she didn’t realize that I’m married, but it’s not a secret and I’m sure that I’ve talked about you in front of her before. Maybe she’s just tired, we’ve been at it all day.” “I’m sure that you have. Where is everyone else? I thought that you were all working today but Jaime said that she left an hour or so ago.” “Yeah, she was hungry and a few other people had to get home for family commitments that they couldn’t break. Luckily we’re at a really good spot and we all felt like we could call it a night, so I sent everyone home. I really only planned to stay and organize a few things.” “Everyone but Emily. Do you not consider yourself to be someone with family commitments?” Liv’s arms are folded around herself and I know that I just stepped in it. “I know that I’m someone with commitments, Liv. Not everyone has a wife like mine or a support system, and they don’t have someone at home who can pick up their slack during these rough periods at work. Emily only stayed because she doesn’t have a family or boyfriend and she’s on some weird fasting diet so…” I trail off, hoping that Liv can see that I didn’t orchestrate this situation to have alone time with Emily. “How do you know that she doesn’t have a boyfriend?”
Liv’s head is now cocked to the side. “Huh?” “You said that she doesn’t have a boyfriend, how do you know that?” I can’t get a handle on this conversation. “It’s just something that we talked about. Maybe she has one now, I don’t know.” “You know that but she didn’t realize that I’m your wife?” “Liv, I don’t know what she remembers or doesn’t. I have a good memory, I remembered what she said in a conversation. I wasn’t drilling her for her relationship status.” Liv looks away from me and then her head drops a bit and she starts slowly shaking her head. “I’m really tired, Callum. I don’t know how much longer I can be the person who ‘picks up your slack’ at home. I signed up to have a partner and I don’t feel like I have that right now. Then coming in here and seeing how close you were sitting and how comfortable she is touching you makes me feel even less secure. It seems like you’re separating into who you are at work and who you are at home, but the work version of you is bleeding into home and I don’t know where my partner is.” “Liv, baby, I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel that way.
I didn’t realize when I was brought onto this what the hours would be like, but don’t you see how much this could change things for us? You wouldn’t have to work anymore, we could move into a bigger house before the next baby. And I’m sorry that it looked weird to you, but there is nothing going on between Emily and me.” “Jesus Christ, Callum!” Her sudden exclamation takes me off guard, such an alien reaction compared to how Liv usually speaks to me during disagreements. “The only reason you’re mentioning the idea of a second kid is because you aren’t an equal partner with the life we currently have. “You’re talking about a second baby and a bigger house because you aren’t doing enough work with our family and home as it is. I’m sure that if I could just put it all into a box and know that someone else will automatically take care of things when I want to change my schedule, then I would want another baby too. But I don’t have someone like that. You get to not worry about Annie or the house because it’s an unspoken rule that I will trail behind you and pick up the pieces, or ease the path so that you can move forward in other parts of your life. When will I have someone who supports me like that?
“And why would I quit my job? Do you even know why I started working again?” I’m stunned. All I can do is stare at my wife who is glaring my me, backlit by the sterile lighting in the empty office. “I thought you started working because you wanted a bigger house so that we could have another kid.” “Callum, we talked about this and I told you that I started working because I missed the feeling of accomplishing something outside of being a mom. Did you think that I was lying or were you not listening?” “I guess I- I mean that’s just what I thought. I must have forgotten that conversation.” “Your memory is good enough to know Emily’s relationship status but not good enough to remember the conversation we had about me wanting to achieve things outside of the home?”
I don’t have anything to say to that, and Liv knows it. Once again, I’m just staring at my wife. “Drive safe, enjoy dinner. Annie and I are staying with Andrea tonight.” I catch Liv’s arm as she turns away from me to stomp out of the office. “Are you leaving tonight because you’re mad at me? I already get so little time with Annie, I don’t think that’s fair.” “Don’t talk to me about fair, Callum. And no, I asked Andrea to keep Annie so that we could have some time together tonight but I don’t think that I can have a healthy conversation with you right now. If you want more time with Annie you’ll have to figure it out, because I will not continue to uproot her schedule just to catch you for 20 minutes.” I follow behind Liv and watch her get into her car, wondering where I’ve gone so wrong.