Choosing My Happiness Novel – What do you do when your husband left you to miscarry alone, so he could be with another woman. He’d sent over a prospect instead of coming to check in his pregnant wife and baby. “Where is he?” I asked His face closed down as he tactfully answered, “Busy.” That was confirmation enough. 3 years together, 2 years of finding protecitons in his pockets, new still in their packets but always different ones. I sighed “His regular, or a once off.” I almost groaned the question. He glanced at me in shock. “I’ve had my suspicions… he’s not exactly discreet.” I muttered.
I curled up on the floor of the bathroom, praying that he’d be here soon. The pain was coming in waves, and the blood was scary. I was only 24 weeks pregnant. I heard the front door open and a strange voice call out. “Daisy?” My heart sank, I took a breath, “In here.” I yelled A young man in a leather vest came into sight. “Hi, I’m Jim… Prez um Blaze sent me over.” I closed my eyes. He’d sent over a prospect instead of coming to check in his pregnant wife and baby. “Can you take me to hospital?” I breathed as the pressure eased. “I’m bleeding. The car is in the garage. Keys are near the door.” I tried to get up and wobbled. “Woah,” The prospect grabbed me and steadied me. “You don’t look too good.” I almost burst into tears at the concern in his voice. “I got you,” He moved my arm over his shoulder and picked me up in his arms. “Where are the keys? Let’s do team work. You grab them and navigate us to the car, I’ll get us there and then drive.” I did burst into tears then.
Tears of relief. I wasn’t alone dealing with this any more. “Deal.” I blubbered. We grabbed the keys and my phone, and he had me sitting in the car in no time. As he went around the car to the drivers door, I heard him call and check in, “Hey, yeah I’ve arrived and she’s pretty bad. We’re heading into the hospital. Can you let Blaze know? Yep will do Prez, thanks. I’ll wait with her until he gets there.” I waited until the next contraction ended, squeezing his hand that he generously gave me when he noticed the pain. “Where is he?” I asked His face closed down as he tactfully answered, “Busy.” That was confirmation enough. 3 years together, 2 years of finding protections in his pockets, new still in their packets but always different ones. I sighed “His regular, or a once off.” I almost groaned the question. He glanced at me in shock. “I’ve had my suspicions… he’s not exactly discreet.” I muttered. “I can’t say” He admitted. Those words said it all, he was screwing around.
I put my head back and concentrated on getting through the pain while we drove. I lay on the bed in a small room with a blue bed pad lying under me, and monitors hooked up around my belly. There were also a lot of concerned looks. Prospect being one of them. He stood out of the way, walking out every now and then to make or take a phone call. The midwife ushered in a doctor, who looked very uncomfortable and serious. He gestured the Prospect forward to the other side of the bed. “I’m very sorry,” He started. My heart dropped as he cleared his throat and continued as gently as he could. “We can’t find a heartbeat. I’m afraid…” He dropped talking as I screamed. Part of me felt sorry for Jim The Prospect. He’d been sent to cover for a brother, who never turned up… and now he was having to step up to deal with a mess that should never have been his. But most of me was thankful for his support, because he did step up in a huge way for me. Because I was in active labour, they moved me to a birth suite to give birth to my dead baby. Jim never left my side.
He rubbed my back as I sat on the birthing ball. He held my hand, whispered encouragement, and most importantly held me as I cried out my pain and sorrow. Throughout the ordeal, I heard messages coming in. Jim checked them when he could, but kept his attention on me. I was grateful, so grateful… but so disappointed. I remember asking him where Blaze was at one point when the contractions were coming back to back. I can’t remember his answer, but I remember his disappointed look, just before I needed to push. Jim sat on the bed, holding me, as I cuddled my little boy. He was perfect. His little eyes fused closed still, veins visible beneath his thin skin. But so perfect. I heard the camera click as he took some photos on his phone. “I’ll send these to Blaze,” I shook my head, “Please don’t… he doesn’t deserve them…. unless,” I looked at Jim,” did he message?” Jim looked down, and shook his head. “Prez did,” He replied,” and some other club members.”
I hated my husband then, poor fiery hate. “Send them to Prez then.” I looked back at my boy. I felt the acknowledgment nod from him. Then he asked, “What’s your number?” I gave it to him, to hear the dings of a message come soon after. He’d sent those photos to me straight away. The midwives came soon after to measure and weigh my baby, and take foot prints and handprints…then handed him back to me to dress in some donated dolls clothes. He was still perfect. They wheeled in something they called a cold cot, to place him in. It was a freezer masquerading as a bassinet. “What’s his name?” they asked. I thought deeply. Blaze had been adamant that his son would carry his name, just like his father and grandfather. The first son born always carried the name on. It was ironic that it was similar to the prospect who had supported me. “James Paul Lovelace.” I’ll give him that one. His dead son named after him.
He passed his name onto his first born son as he wished. I heard Jim typing away on the phone, and looked at him. “Just letting Prez know the details, he can let Blaze know once he gets clean.” I looked at Jim, and he sighed. “I didn’t say anything.” No, you didn’t,” I agreed, ” but Jim, thanks… thanks for supporting me. I’m sorry you were lumped with this, but I’m glad you were here. I’m not sure I could have done this alone.” Jim’s face softened, “You are so strong, it was a privilege… thanks for letting me support you.” He lent over and smooched my forehead. “You’re amazing.” He whispered. I started crying again. Jim steadied his arms around me and held me gently. A while later I was lying in a private room, with Baby James in the cold cot beside me. Jim had finally taken off assuring me that a bag of clothes was coming courtesy of Prez’s ol’ lady, Janie, when Blaze finally turned up. He paused at the cot, and gazed at his son. “He’s called James Paul Lovelace, as you wanted,” I broke the silence coldly. He shifted the flowers into the hand with the gift bag, and reached in to pick James up. James fitted into one hand, his head neatly resting on the top of his father’s finger tips, and his bum in his palm.
“My son.” Blaze groaned. He glanced at me, “do they know what happened? Why your contractions started?” “They think placental abruption. It’s where the placenta starts coming away from the uterus. They can usually save the baby if the mum can get to hospital quickly.” I replied dryly. He swallowed and looked back at his son. “He’s beautiful.” He hummed and shifted over to sit on the bed. “Sorry I didn’t make it,” He held out the flowers and gift bag with none of his usual flair. I nodded and took them. I put the flowers beside me and opened the gift bag. There was a slim box there containing a bracelet. It was gorgeous and glittery, but it was just bling. I put it down beside the flowers and took a deep breath. I smelt perfume from him. “Was she worth it?” I asked. He jerked his face towards me as he cupped Baby James. I shook my head, “I know you screw the town girls, I just thought I was more important, ” and moved the flowers and gift onto the beside table, then rolled over to sleep with my back to him.
I walked into the clubhouse. It was the middle of the day, so not many people around, but Prez had asked to see me. Janie, his Ol’ Lady, had picked me up from the hospital and let me know. We came straight here. I knocked on the door and heard the words- come in. “Hey Daiz, how are you feeling?” He grumbled, indicating a seat. I bit down on the bitterness and sarcasm that was threatening to erupt and sat. “Peachy” I replied, He glanced down and nodded. “Janie and I,” He sighed, looked up at me and shook his head. “I’m sorry, you deserve Baby James alive and in your arms.” The honest acknowledgment of my pain broke me. I fought back the tears. “Thankyou for sending Jim. He was a huge support. He did really well being thrown in the deep end” I replied. “You’re welcome… I wanted to talk to you about the funeral.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat with those words. This was rare for Prez to be uncomfortable. I nodded at him to continue.
“The club would like to organise it, and pay for it.” I thought about it. I didn’t want to deal with the funeral. I was worn out after the birth. And I’d said goodbye in the hospital in a little ceremony. I had the handprints and footprints to prove it. I nodded my agreement. “Sure, the club can do that for Blaze.” I bit my tongue in the spite of the rest of the sentence. “What else?” He asked. “I’m tired, and done with Blaze. I want to go away.” I admitted. He didn’t show any surprise. He simply opened a drawer and handed me a folder. I opened it to see a rental agreement and a set of keys. “Janie needs someone to look after her parents’ place while they’re travelling around. It’ll be for 6 months. Is that enough time to clear your head?” I nodded, tears creeping out of my eyes. “I’m not telling him where you are,” Prez winced at his thoughts, and continued, ” I don’t agree with his recent decisions, especially here at the clubhouse. So I’m giving you space…but this is all I’m doing. 6 months for you to think about your relationship, and how to fix it. Hopefully that’s enough time for Blaze to come to his senses as well.” I closed the folder. “Thankyou, when do you need me up there.”
I was proud of myself for not breaking down any more. ” When you want, head up there” He told me. I thanked him and left. “Thankyou,” I said to Janie as I climbed into her truck cabin. She bit her lip and nodded, then lent over and pulled open the compartment. In there was an envelope with money in it, and a mobile phone. The words just in case were written on the envelope. I looked up at the road as we started driving. Prez gave me the gift of space, but he expected me to come back. Janie didn’t. “I want him cremated,” I said, “They probably don’t do coffins that small any way. And an urn will be easier to take on the bikes.” Janie nodded. I saw understanding in her eyes. Not sympathy, but understanding. She also lost babies. “How many?” I asked, “5” She replied, ” All before 12 weeks though, so miscarriages, not still birth like Baby James.” “Are you still trying?” She shook her head and sighed. “I’ve got endometriosis… it’s too gummed up in there for anything to stick now. They’re talking hysterectomy.” Wow, she was only 30. “Prez and I are thinking adoptions now,” She glanced at me, “there’s two gorgeous little boys that the social worker wants us to meet this weekend.
They’re beautiful, but their mum died some months ago in a shootout, and grandma is old… I’ve said that she can come and visit often. She’s lovely too… just very frail. ” I smiled at her excitement. Then noticed her hesitating. “What’s the catch?” I asked. “They’re African American, and my parents are not fans of other races.” She admitted delicately, then gushed “but they’re so gorgeous, they’re only 4 and 2… and they’ve been through so much!” “And you already love them, don’t you.” I grinned at her. “Yes!” We pulled into my driveway behind my car. I lent over and gave her a hug. “Congratulations, Mumma. You don’t need racist parents to help you raise your babies, you have a whole club who will support you. Don’t ask me how I know though, I might cry. ” I hopped down with my bag and presents. “Thanks for the lift!” I waved at her as she reversed and headed to her house, then walked inside. I looked around. Stuff waiting around to try and talk to Blaze, I’ve wasted enough energy on him. There was nothing left for me in this whole house, just a painful past.
I pulled the suitcases out and started packing, then threw them in the suv. I walked back inside and put the bracelet still in it’s box on the counter, and my phone. I took some time to forward the photos Jim sent me, and record Prez and Janies number on my new phone, before leaving the old one next to the jewelry. I trusted Janie and Prez to not give out my new number. I walked out before hesitating about the SUV. Blaze bought it for me last year, with the safety of the baby in mind. I dismissed the reservations I had about taking it. If he was going to track me Prez would get wind if it and shut him down. I could also sell the SUV where I was going if I decided I wasn’t coming back. The decision made, I hopped in and drive off to the address on the paperwork. 4 hours later I was standing in a nice single story house in a secured housing estate. It was comfortable, airy and bright. I walked through the three bedrooms, and chose one of the guest rooms to put my bags in.
Then took some clothes into the bathroom to change. I peeled off the pad that was filled with blood… sorry, discharge from the birth, and had a shower. My tummy was still bloated, and flabby. I think I was supposed to feel sad. But I felt angry, and relieved. Blaze hadn’t shown up for BJ at his birth, what were the chances of him showing up for the rest of his life if he had survived. It was probably a lucky dodge for BJ. He didn’t have to grow up with Blaze as his father, and as for me… “Screw him!” I growled at the blood running down the drain. “I deserve better.” I spent three months there, recovering. I went down to the library and distracted myself with courses. I opened up a new bank account. I sold all the jewelry that Blaze had bought me. Then I disappeared, leaving the car and the phone, and put myself first. BLAKE (his side of the story) I should have known. When a woman who calls herself Delilah, strides over to you and sinks into your lap to press her obviously private part against you, you have lost control and are just asking for the ride… and I enjoyed a free ride.
To be fair, there were a few Delilahs. They weren’t traditional club girls. Just local town girls who wanted a walk on the wild side, and the clubhouse was the perfect venue for that. There were plenty of men willing to accommodate these girls, and I admit I was one of them. A Quick hard love was a good way to decompress after a shift at the firehouse. I made sure I wrapped it up well. I didn’t want to take anything home to Daisy, and with her being pregnant, I was even more careful. but if it was on offer, I didn’t see the point in saying no. Prez had warned me to ease off on the girls. Something about treasuring what I had at home. But they wanted it… they’re the ones who threw themselves at me. Besides, by me getting my agression out on them meant that Daisy got my gentle side. We were just starting the night when I got a call from Daisy… something about needing help. But that red headed witch had stood up as I answered and lifted her skirt for me to see exactly what I’d be getting. I wouldn’t be long. I unzipped my pants and rolled on a protection. My phone slipped into the floor and luckily Prez picked it up. “Take it out the back!” He growled and looked at the screen.
I grabbed Delilah and swung her over my shoulder. She squealed with delight as I ran for the rooms out the back. I heard Prez call for a Prospect and then swear at me. I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be long… I was wrong. That girl was insatiable. 4 hours later, she staggered out on the orders of her friends, messy hair and unsteady on her feet. Her friends collected her and pulled her into a taxi. Crackers was cleaning up the bar. “Blaze,” He called,”Prez needs to talk in his office.” I nodded and headed over there. “By the way, congratulations!” He continued, before turning around and taking the trash out. I stopped dead. “What was he taking about?” I continued to the office knocking open the door. Prez had his head in his hands looking down at a phone. He looked up at me with red rimmed eyes, sniffed and sat back. “You’re a prick, you know that?” He growled, and then shoved the phone towards me. It spun around to show a picture of a small red baby in a woman’s arms. “Congratulations on the birth of your son. Born just on 2lb, 14 in in length.” He sneered in absolute disgust,”I had to send a prospect to her just to get her to hospital… and we were TOO LATE.”
He roared at me. I was stuck on the picture. “Look, look at what you lost because you were too busy screwing around! Look at what Free Private part had gotten you!” He swiped across the screen to show picture after picture after picture of the baby, Daisy, Daisy and the baby, more baby pictures. Then he grabbed the phone away and threw minedown in front of me. He stood and pointed a finger at me. “That prospect I sent in your place earnt his cut today, he took on your job. He sat with your woman while she was giving birth to your dead baby and he supported out of her, while you- her own husband was screwing some town arse that was going to give it up for anyone.” He turned away. “Go home, clean yourself up, and then go and see your wife. I’m going home to mine and to thank God I’m not as stupid as you.” He stormed out into rising dawn. I sat down and looked at my phone. There were 7 missed calls… 2 messages… one of them from Prez. That one was some of the photos of the baby. My baby. I slowly stood up and went to my bike to slowly ride home.
I stood under the hot water, forming a plan to apologise. I’d gotten good at apologies over the years. She’d forgive me no matter what. It was too early for the shops to open, but one of the regular townies worked at a florist. She complained once about how early she started, so I could go get a bunch of flowers from her. And then there was that bracelet I bought last week. It was full of gems and girls liked that sort of poop. I had other stuff stashed away, but that was the prettiest. I screwed up pretty big this time, I got that message loud and cheat from Prez, but I’d fix it. I got dressed and grabbed the gift bag with the bracelet in it, made sure that I’d taken the servers phone number out of the bag, and ran to my truck. The flowers wouldn’t survive on the bike, and if all went well I’d be bringing Daisy home for some make up intercourse. Wait how long do people stay in hospital after birth? I had no idea, but I was suddenly rushing to see her.
I hadn’t felt like this since I first saw her, and the two years it had taken me to catch her. She was just like her name, bright eyes, blonde hair that ghosted like a wisp on any breeze around her. Taking her on the bike was a dream. She always got off with a huge smile and tangled hair. I loved that little woman with all of my heart. I pulled into the florist to see people moving around. I quickly unlocked my phone to Shaquille’s number and rang. “Hey handsome,” she greeted me. “Hey princess,” I replied, she was anything but. “I’m in a bit of a hurry…” “Really,” She chuckled “Yeah, I need to get some flowers for my wife.” “Your what?” Her voice sharpened. “Yeah, she’s in hospital, I just found out.” I decided to play the sympathy card. “You have a wife?” I heard her take a deep breath, “since when?” “I’m in a hurry” I reminded her “Oh, well we have some bunches of roses, expensive roses. Perfect for apolosing for cheating. I can have them ready for when we open.” “Yeah I’m kinda at your front door now.” She gritted her teeth audibly, “well you obviously have a lot of apologizing to do.
Dani was trying to get over her own ex cheating on her.” I frowned,” who’s Dani?” She sighed, ” Do you really think we give you our real names? She was with you last night. Arsehole. Come to the door. I hope you have cash.” I did, and probably paid extra for the hate filed eyes that served me. But I now had flowers, and a gift. I was going to meet Daisy, and she was going to forgive me because she always did. BLAKE The hospital visit didn’t go well. I sat with my son in my hands. I didn’t apologise, I just gave her the gifts without saying anything. I just sat and looked at my son in my hands. 2 lbs of pale translucent skin. He was cold, and dressed in tiny clothes, and he was small enough to just fit in my hands. Daisy was facing away from me, she’d rejected my gifts, she’d told me that she saw through them, and she knew about the girls. But she’d named my son after me, just like I’d wanted. Just like my parents wanted. Oh God, I’d have to tell them. They were so happy to be grandparents. Dad joked that a child will help me grow up and settle down. Not really a joke, I was planning on doing it once he was born in another few months. I was just having a blow out, sowing my wild oats as they say.
But, now it starts, I promised silently. No more nights at the club. I guess I should have started that a little earlier. But it’s better now than never. I glanced over at Daisy. She still had her back to me. The coldness from her was worse than the cold cot. I put Junior back into the cot. “When…how long do they want you to stay in hospital?” She didn’t answer. I stood up and walked around to her face. She was asleep. Her face looked like she hadn’t slept for a week. The skin around her eyes was bruised with fatigue. Prez was right, I’d dropped the ball on my relationship because I was focussing on having fun. I dropped my head, then stood up and walked out. I drove to my parents. Mom came out as I pulled up. “Hey honey! What a surprise!” She looked around me,”where’s Daisy?” “In Hospital.” Dad came out of the house in time to catch the conversation. “Is everything OK? Is the baby OK?” I flopped myself down on one of the chairs on the porch. “No,” I admitted. Mom sat next to me. “What happened?” I sighed, “He was born last night. He didn’t make it.” Dad looked hard at me. “What are you not telling us, ” He growled. “I wasn’t there… I found out this morning.” “Where were you?” “Busy.” “God, boy!” Dad stomped off, then turned around.
“I told you to knock it off. How do you expect to raise a family when you’re living like a college brat! Gah you disappoint me!” “How is Daisy?” Mom asked “I don’t know, she wouldn’t talk to me.” “Do you blame her? She had to birth the baby alone.” “She wasn’t alone, Prez sent a prospect with her.” “A prospect? So no one she knows?” I shrugged, not seeing her point. She spoke again, getting more frustrated. “So a stranger supported her through one of the most vulnerable times in her life… do you know how wrong that is?” I rubbed my eyes. “I know, I’ll do better… when she comes home, I’ll shut it all down.” “You may have to do more than that. Not many women can come back from a betrayal this big.” “Mom, it’s Daisy… she’s my forever.” “What did she have?” I smiled, “a boy, James Paul Lovelace!” I said proudly. I found the flowers and bracelet box in the kitchen when I came home to get ready for my shift at the firehouse. It hurt a little that she didn’t call me to let me know she was coming home. I wanted to bring her home and apologise properly this time. I quickly searched the house for her, but couldn’t find her. I guess she was catching up with a girlfriend or something.
I quickly dressed and headed to work. She still wasnt back by the time I knocked off. The flowers were still there and same as the bracelet box, but next to it was her phone. I went searching for her again. Again she wasn’t anywhere. I was irritated, where was she? And the roses were starting to droop. After all the trouble I went to to get them. I searched the cupboard for a vase, filled it up and plonked the flowers in there. I grabbed the box and was about to toss it in the trash, when I heard the little rattle. Instead I opened it and found she hadn’t even taken the bracelet out. How ungrateful! I pulled my phone out and called Prez. “Is Janie there?” I asked as I heard the phone pick up. “Jesus christ, Blaze! Do you know what time it is?” He muttered. “Sorry, it’s just… I can’t find Daisy. I know she’s come home from the hospital, but she’s not in the house.” Prez grunted. “Yeah, I know… she’s having a break.” ” What do you mean?” “We’ve sent her upstate for a holiday.
Give her some space while she recovers.” I gave him the reply of stunned silence. “On that note, We’ve got a funeral to arrange. She agreed to let the club handle all the arrangements. She says she said good bye already. ” He continued, before hanging up the phone. Clubhouse was quiet and solemn that night. A few people came over to offer their condolences to me, but most converged around a prospect named Jimmy, shaking his hand and clapping his shoulder. Just about all the Ol’ Ladies had gone up and spoken to him as well, some giving him a hug. I sat at the bar and, for the first time in my life, ignored the townies. I thought about Daisy and how she was reacting. Normally she’d yell at me, lay into me about growing up, and how could I do this to her if I really loved her. I’d sweet talk her into bed, and she’d forgive me. But now she wasn’t here to yell at me. She didn’t give me the chance to talk. I sighed. Hopefully, the time away will help, and Daisy will be happy when she gets back. We’ll have another kid, and I’ll keep it in my pants this time.