Do You Want to be Trapped Novel – Holly “I told you man, if I hadn’t gotten baby trapped by her, then I wouldn’t still be with her. This whole wedding thing is my parents forcing me to do the right thing. I never would have married her otherwise.” Collin says to whoever was standing with him in the back of the church. I wasn’t supposed to be there. The bride wasn’t supposed to see the groom before the wedding. It’s back luck everyone kept saying. I guess they were right. I snuck to get a look at the man I was getting ready to marry and I got the worst news ever. Collin didn’t want to marry me? He thought he was baby trapped? Did that mean he didn’t love me as well? I could get the whole getting married to an early thing, but you could feel that way and still love the person you were set to marry. Right? I stand there with my back against the wall, hand over my mouth and tears threatening to fall from my makeup covered eyes. “I thought you loved her?” the voice asks.
I recognize the voice as his brother Tommy. “I like her well enough, but I don’t think I love her. We’ve only been together a few years.” Collins says with a scoff. Only a couple of years? How long does it take to figure out if you love someone? I knew after about three months that I was on the path to loving him. And yet here we were two years later, and he doesn’t know if he loves me? What in the world was I missing? He told me all the time he loved me and I had no reason to not believe him. Collin had been honest and upfront with everything we faced in our relationship. If he didn’t like the way things were going, he always told me. We communicated everything, or at least I thought we did. “What are you gonna do then? If you don’t love her and don’t want to get married, then I don’t see this lasting very long,” Tommy says.
Tommy was the younger of the two and yet he always seemed to be the more mature of them. Tommy looked up to his brother, but he never picked up any of his brother’s bad habits. Why couldn’t Collin have been the more mature one in this situation? “What in the world am I supposed to do? Huh? Tell me how I get out of this? Mom and dad told me I would lose my inheritance if I didn’t marry her! They love her to death and now that she’s having their grandchild she never has to worry about a thing for the rest of her life!” Collin says with spite. “Are you saying you think she did this because of money?” Tommy asked, shocked. I could hear the irritation in his voice. In the time it took Collin to answer, my heart shattered into more than a million shards. He was hesitating, and that was all I needed to hear. I walk away because I know there is nothing he can say now that will change how I feel about what I heard. Collin had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t feel the same about me as I did him.
I place a hand over my small stomach. I was only three months along, so my little peanut hadn’t started making their presence physically known. They did however make sure to give my stomach a daily reminder that they were there and in charge. Oh God, what am I going to do now? I can’t marry Collin, knowing that he feels this way about the marriage. I’ve never thought about what I would do if I were a single mother. I’m sure our families would help, but the last thing I wanted was for them to think I was just using this child to gain something. Collin’s parents were wealthy, but they had never lorded that over anyone. My parents were your average middle-class people who made a comfortable living and were generous. They weren’t happy when they learned I was pregnant and unmarried. But the longer the idea was around the better they felt about it.
Will they still be happy when they learn I won’t be getting married? I round the corner, heading back to the dressing room, and I bump into my sister Haven. It only takes her a second to look at my face and see that I’m not okay. I feel her hand take mine and she leads me away from the room where everyone is waiting for the wedding to start. “What’s wrong?” She asks her eyes, swimming with concern. “And don’t think you can lie to me.” Haven is five years older than me and I’ve never been able to lie to her. She has that crazy mom talent to know when someone is lying. Haven had been my best friend, sister and protector all in one. I was lucky to have her. She was as tough as nails and ran with a motorcycle club in the next town over. “I snuck off to get a glimpse of Collin.” I say. My tongue feels huge in my mouth, making it hard for me to speak. “That wouldn’t make you look like someone killed your favorite duck.” She says plainly. I may be a little obsessed with these ducks that live in a pond in the town park. “I also overheard his conversation with Tommy.
Haven, he doesn’t want to marry me. He doesn’t think he loves me and he feels like he’s being forced into this marriage.” I finally let the tears fall. Haven comes and sits next to me on a sofa in the church library. We were all alone and there was a deep silence filling the room. With all the emotions running through me, I felt my other senses heighten. I could smell the flowers in the sanctuary on the other side of the church. I could also smell the cocoanut deodorant that Haven was using. I look at the shelves holding the books. My vision seems to be as clearer than it has ever been and I can read the numbers on the stems of the books. I blink a couple of times to get the tears out of the corners of my eyes. I just stay like this, waiting for Haven to say something, anything to make this all go away. “What do you want to do sweet girl?”
Haven asks as she wraps an arm around my shoulder. I look at the difference in our arms. We’re both in sleeveless dresses and it’s hard to imagine that we’re sisters if you look at our arms side by side. Haven has an olive complexion where I’m more peaches and cream. Her black hair is the opposite of my white almost silver locks. Her arms are covered in tattoos while mine are still pure and white without a scratch or scar to be seen. “I can’t go through with this wedding. Why would I marry a man that all but hates me? Do you think he’s going to take the baby from me?” “Holly, if he doesn’t want to get married to you I think it’s safe to say there’s a good chance he’s not going to want the baby either. I’m going to get Mom and Dad,” Haven said and left the room. While waiting, I sat there and tried to look for any signs that Collin didn’t want to be with me.
He had been the one who brought up marriage. I was fine with continuing as we were, but he insisted. But I guess I know now why that was. His parents wanted the marriage. I couldn’t blame them for any of this. They were always kind to me and I couldn’t find a fault in what they wanted. Who knew if Collin even told them we weren’t worried about marriage? “Holly, honey!” My mother cried as she ran to me. She sat down beside me and pulled me into her arms. I knew the tears she had were for me and not for losing Collin. My parents treated Collin fairly, but I could always tell there was something about him they weren’t all that fond of. “Have you talked to the little prick?” Dad asked. “No, I just overheard him talking to his brother.
Are you upset with me since I’m going to be a single mother?” I asked, afraid of the answer that I could get. “No! God, no. Honey, we love you and there’s nothing in this world that you could do to change that.” Dad says as he walks over and hugs me and mom. “How should we go about doing this? The guests are mostly here and waiting for the show to start.” Haven asks. There’s a look in her eye that lets me know she would love nothing more than to hit Collin in front of the church full of people. Part of me wants that to. I loved or love that prick. I’ve always given into him and did it with a smile. Yet I’m the one with the broken heart. “When it’s time for me to walk down the aisle, I’ll stand next to dad and tell everyone that there’s not going to be a wedding.” “Honey, you don’t have to do this. One of us can handle this. I don’t want you putting any more stress on yourself.
You’re having a baby.” Mom says, placing her hand on my cheek. It was an odd feeling to know that on one hand I wasn’t loved by the person I thought, but on the other was my family loving me the way I needed. It was like having a mini war breaking out in my heart. I was devastated but happy at the same time. I know that in the near future this is all going to hit me and I’ll be a mess. I may even lose my mind. I’ve been so in love with Collin that the thought of us not being together never crossed my mind. I have been living in the delusion that I was loved as much as I was giving out. “No, I have to face this head on. I’m going to need the strength I’m using today to help point the way I need to go later.” Holly The music started, and Haven made her way down the aisle. I can’t see anything but I’m sure it isn’t a cheerful scene in front of here.
I don’t know if Collin has the acting power to make this all seem like a good thing or not. He had fooled me into thinking that he cared and loved me, but when his future is on the line, who knows? “Are you sure about this, honey?” Dad asks as we get closer to the door leading to the sanctuary. “I’ve never been so sure in all my life. I can’t spend the rest of my life living a lie.” The wedding march started to play, and my father pulled me with him down the aisle. I was trying hard to make my way down this God awful aisle but Dad had to help me. I finally looked up and saw Collin was standing there next to Tommy. Collin stands there with a smile on his face and looking like he’s the happiest man alive. How did he go from sounding like he was on the edge of death to looking like he was happy? I feel the sweat running down my back with every step I take toward him.
I should be livid and running down the aisle to slap his face and call him a liar. Instead, I’m forcing myself to head toward the moment in my life where everything will change. “Who gives this woman to be married?” the minister asks. Dad stands there still as a stone not giving the slightest hint that anything is wrong. Seconds passed by and the minister and Collin got antsy. They were looking back and forth between me and dad. I want to watch him suffer with the unknown. I want Collin to be afraid that everything is about to fall out of his grasp in a matter of moments. “There isn’t anyone going to be giving me away. There isn’t going to be a wedding today.” I say in a voice that I don’t recognize as my own.
“Holly, what are you talking about? We’re getting married today.” Collin says in a worried voice. I turn to the crowded church and look at all the people that are gathered. All of my extended family are here as well as Collin’s. Our friends that we have together as well as our separate ones are all there watching on the edge of their seats. Everyone looks confused and some are worried. I don’t blame them. Who goes to a wedding and thinks something like this was going to happen? “Most of you know that the reason the wedding was so rushed was because I’m pregnant. I’ve never been so happy in all my life as I was the day I found out that I was having the love of my life’s baby. I assumed he felt the same way too, since we had been together for a couple of years.” I turn and look Collin in the eye. “I would have thought that after a couple of years you would have known if you loved me or not. But I guess the best you could do was just caring for me since I was decent enough.”
Understanding crossed Collin’s face. I saw the seat break out across his forehead and a slight shake of his hand. “For that reason, I will not be marrying Collin today. Mr. and Mrs. Johnston please don’t punish Collin by taking away his inheritance. He didn’t make this choice I did.” I turn, and my father follows suit. I feel Haven behind me and then my mother joins her. We walked out of the church with our heads held high not looking at anyone. I keep my eyes focused on the door and my escape. “Take her straight to your car, Haven, and get her home. Mom and I will get her things and meet you there,” Dad says, handing my hand over to Haven. I feel her hand and the pull of her leading me down the stairs of the church and through the parking lot. My emotions seem to be shutting down. I rub my stomach absentmindedly as she opens the door for me. I sit down not paying attention to my head. As soon as I hit it on the door frame, the tears started.
It’s like it took the pain from hitting my head to wake me up to the fact that my life has just changed. Every dream I had thought up as a little girl was changed. I wasn’t like Haven. I wasn’t independent and ready to take on the world. I was timid, and I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. I never saw this as a bad thing. Not everyone in this world is born strong and able to fight off all the evils of this world. I’m not that strong, but I know that now I’m going to have to figure out a way to be stronger. I may never get to the level my sister is at, but I can try. “Do you think I could ever be as strong as you?” Haven just got into her car and was starting it as I asked. She reached over and buckled me up and then herself. “I think that you’re going to learn to be. I’m going to be with you every step of the way through this, Holly. What would you think of moving in with me?” “Move to Lennox? Wouldn’t I cramp your style?” I say with a self-deprecating laugh.
“No! It may do you some good to get away from Highland. You won’t have to see Collin around town, and there won’t be as many people who will know what happened to you. I can get you a job helping with the club’s paperwork and accounting. They’ve been looking for a new accountant.” She says, smiling. Haven already had this all worked out in her head. “But I already have a job.” “And you hate it there. You told me just this week how you wished you could go out on your own. Working for the club would be like that. The guys don’t care how you do it, they’ll just want an accountant. Plus, they would protect you and the baby with their lives.” Haven says. “I don’t think anyone is going to be after me and my baby. The father doesn’t even want us.”
An ache hits me in the chest with those words. Maybe I’ve been trying to trick myself into thinking this was all a dream? But it’s not, is it? Collin doesn’t want us. Doesn’t want me. Did I do something wrong with the relationship? I always gave into everything he wanted. I didn’t fight him on things because it never seemed like it was important enough to fight. We didn’t argue about anything big and so I thought it wasn’t worth the trouble to fight. “I’m not necessarily meaning that someone physically wants to hurt you. I mean, if Collin gets his head out of his hip and besides he wants to go after custody.” She says. Fear hits me. I hadn’t thought about that. Collin would have just as much right to this child as I would. He was the baby’s father and there was no question about that. “Do you think he’d do that? He sounded so sure when he was talking to Tommy. He didn’t sound like a father who wanted his child.” If I keep saying that to myself, then maybe it will be true.
Collin had never seemed like a vindictive person, but I also thought he was in love with me. He sounded so upset by the idea of not getting his inheritance that I can’t be sure of anything. He’s a person I don’t know. What about his parents? They’ve been so excited about being grandparents. Would they come after me? “Do they have lawyers and stuff?” I ask. God, I can’t believe I’m having to think about this. “They do. And if you are working for them, then you are a part of their family. I don’t want you to be taken advantage of. Something about Collin has always bothered me. I thought I was wrong about him, but after today I know I was right. I should have told you about my gut feeling when you first started dating.” We pulled into my parents’ garage and got out of the car. I don’t bother to even grab the hem of my dress to keep it from dragging the ground. I head straight to the sofa and flop down on it. I lay my head on the back of the sofa and close my eyes.
Part of me hopes that I’m going to wake up and this would all have been a bad dream. “My just texted that they’re on their way home. Here, drink some water and eat these crackers. You’re looking a little green.” Haven says. I feel it now after she says something. I didn’t notice it until I stopped moving and sat down. Morning sickness is anything but morning for me. I’ve been sick for the entire time I’ve been pregnant. I keep homing that it’s going to ease off but no such luck. I’m eating when I hear my parents come in. “How did it go?” Haven asks. “He tried to talk us into getting you back to the church. The little thought he could explain it away. I told him to piss off.” “Dad! You shouldn’t talk like that!” I said. He was never one to curse much, and I didn’t want to be the reason he started. “We told him and his parents to not contact you.
I told them if you wanted to talk you[‘d be the one to call.” Mom said. We are all sitting around the living room when I finally ask what I think is the most important question. “What am I going to do about the baby? I don’t want him to have any rights for my little peanut.” And it was the truth. I don’t think he would treat our child the way he should. I don’t want my child to grow up and learn that their father felt like they were a mistake or were unwanted. “There are options. We could ask him to sign over his rights or you could put the baby up for adoption.” Dad says. “No. That’s not gonna happen.” I say. “Disappear with me for a while and we can come up with a plan. Who knows, you may meet someone who can help.” Haven says. Holly I’m shocked at how much I sleep lately. Three days ago I was set to get married and now I’m trying to figure out what kind of future me and my little peanut will have. I know I can’t stay in this bed forever, but goodness I want to.
All I want to do is sleep and eat as much ice cream as my stomach can handle. I hear a knock at the door and I know that Haven has other ideas of what she wants me to do. “Come in.” Haven walks in looking at me with sympathy, but also with a determined look. “Your boss called this morning. She heard about what happened and wants to know when you’re coming back to work. She said since you aren’t going on a honeymoon, she wants you back tomorrow. You know she’s a vile bimbo who needs her house TP’d,” Haven says as she gets into the bed with me. She lays her head by mine on the pillow. “You can’t let this take your life away, Holly. I know you’re hurting and trust me I want you to feel all that you need to. But I want you to see this as a gift.” I scoff at her words. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it is a gift. If you had married Collin with the way he felt, then you would have opened yourself up to God knows how much pain. He wouldn’t have made a good husband feeling that way. He would have most likely cheated and done any number of things to make you feel worthless.” Deep in my heart I know she’s right. I’m coming around to the idea that I never really knew Collin.
The version of him I was in love with wasn’t real. He was just paying me lip service all the times he told me he loved me. So what does all this mean for me now? Am I going to continue to live a lie and think things will work out? Do I even want them to work out? No. After what he said about me and our baby there’s nothing that’s going to fix it. “He’s done a pretty good job of that already. Haven, I’m not as strong as you, so please understand that it’s going to take me a little while to bounce back. Deep down, I know this is all for the best since I learned the truth, but that doesn’t make the whole thing hurt less.” I say, snuggling close to her. “I know, babe. I’m not trying to force you to get over it. I only want to help you get through all this. Have you thought about coming to live with me? You can leave most of your stuff here with mom and dad if you want and see how it goes.” “You know I think you’re right. I’m going to come with you and try to put this behind me. My peanut deserves the best and I don’t think it will happen here. Highland is full of terrible memories now and I want to be the best mom I can for this baby.” I turn and look at Haven. “Help me become strong?” “You got it little sis.”
“Don’t forget to get set up with an OBGYN when you get there. And don’t forget to call us with your new phone number. And…” “Mom, she’s going to be fine. I’m going to be with her every step of the way. She’s a big girl, and she’s going to be a mother soon. Let her spread her wings and fly.” Haven says. My mom is standing at the car trying her hardest to not cry. I knew that no matter what the circumstances my mother would take me moving out of the house hard. She was a mess leading up to the wedding and now she’s struggling with me moving in with Haven. She’s been the best example of what a mother should be and what a mother’s love should feel like. “Everything’s going to be fine, Mom. Haven’s got me and I’m going to grow so strong that you won’t even be able to remember the timid me from now. I want to be the kind of mother you are and in order for me to do that I need to go. I promise to check in everyday and send you plenty of pictures of my growing belly.” I say, hugging her. We finish our goodbyes and finally get on the road.
The drive is only around half an hour and I almost didn’t notice we were driving. I get lost in my thoughts a lot, and today seems to be no exception. I had been to Haven’s house several times, but it’s different knowing that I was going to be living there with her. I hope I don’t get in the way of her life there. Haven has always been independent and I don’t want her giving up things on my behalf. “Are you sure I’m not going to be getting in your way?” “Babe, how many times do I have to tell you no? I can’t wait for us to live together. You are going to learn to live again without having to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. Holly, I want you to use this time before the baby comes to find out who you are. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks or feels. Just focus on what makes you happy. You may not have noticed, but you changed a lot about yourself when you started dating Collin. I don’t know if it was because you wanted him to like you or if it was just natural, but you didn’t seem as happy as you should have been. Someone who is in love and well loved back wouldn’t have the look on their face that you had most of the time. If you figure out what you want most in life, then the rest will come in time. Have you ever really thought about what you wanted?” It’s a fair question that she’s asked.
If I am honest with myself, I don’t think I have ever thought about it. I’ve been on some kind of autopilot since I was younger. I’ve just done what I thought I was supposed to do. Haven was always a handful growing up, so I felt like I needed to be calm and take it easy on my parents. I started dating Collin right out of college around the same time I got my job. He said all the right things and took me on all the right dates, so I thought it was love. The jerk told me he loved me. So I believed him and I thought I loved him. I still think I love him, but who’s saying that I’m not wrong? Was it really love? Right now it feels like it was, but that could just be me taking the easy way out and thinking what we had was real. I have a perfect example of what love looks like, and I can’t seem to see Collin and me in the same shoes as my parents. I have no doubts that my parents are over the moon for each other. Their love is like some crazy fairytale that every little girl wants.
But not every little girl grows up to get her fairytale. If the last few days have taught me anything, it’s that I’m not the girl who gets the fairytale. I’m the girl who gets tricked by the villain and ends up alone. She then has to dig herself out of the hole she’s in and start a new life. She has to be strong because even though she has family, there is no one else there to help her carry the burden. She has to make her own fairytale and not trust someone else to do it for her. “We’re here!” Haven shouts. Her smile is beautiful as she excitedly gives me spirit fingers. “I’m glad you are so excited!” I yell, returning the spirit fingers. Before long, we’re both laughing and it feels so good just to feel something other than hurt. I feel like some of the weight that has been sitting on my chest has come off in just a few seconds of laughing. I step out of the car and look at my new home. Haven has done well for herself with her two-story house that looks like something out of better homes and gardens. I smile at the thoughts of her out in her yard working on her flowers.
Haven is a ball of surprises. “I have the guest room upstairs set up all the time, so I thought you may want to take that. But if the stairs get to be too much, I could always let you have my room downstairs.” Haven says. “I don’t want to take your room, Haven. I think the exercise will do me some good. I’ve been reading that labor is better when you are still in pretty good shape. I want to take some of the classes that the hospital offers for the labor and delivery department.” Haven stops as she’s opening the door and turns to me. Tears are in her eyes and I’m shocked at what I’m seeing. Haven doesn’t cry, so this is really throwing me off. “I’m so proud of you, Holly. You’re going to be the best mom ever.” She pulls me into a hug and I feel some more of the weight I’ve been carrying around lifted off. I wake up this morning to a beautiful view of a clear blue sky that looks like there’s not a thing wrong with the world. It’s fall, so the temperature is soon going to dip lower, but today is going to be perfect.
I’m going with Haven to meet the club and determine if I am, in fact, going to start working for them. But once that’s over I plan to go on a walk around the block. Lennox is a small town, and it has a lot of older homes in this neighborhood. I want to just get out and clear my mind from the past and start moving on. We pull up to a large gate that looks like something you would see in a prison break movie. There is a fence as far as I can see. I look over at Haven and I’m hoping she has some words that are going to make this feel less like I’m being committed than getting a job.
“They like their privacy. I promise this isn’t one of those clubs that is into illegal. They do a lot to help the community here, but they also help the cops look for people who have been kidnapped for trafficking. They may look scary, but they’re not unless you’re someone who needs to fear them.” She says and then pulls forward. We drive along a long dirt road that seems to be leading to nowhere until suddenly we’re in front of a large building. There are a few people moving around the compound that look like they’re taking care of the grounds of the area. Haven comes to a stop in a parking spot and turns to me. “Just be yourself Holly. They are going to love you and you’re more than qualified to do this job. It’s all going to work out.”