If I Lose Myself Novel – Catalina A hand started to run over my hip making me jump up, looking up my eyes went wide. Tim was above me looking down with an evil glint. I knew he was going to come in here tonight, my heart started to beat hard in my chest. My eyes looked to my door to see that he had pushed my dresser in front of it. How did he do that without me hearing him? “You have nowhere to go, little girl. Might as well just give up now,” He taunted me. I tried to make a break for the window but he grabbed me by my hair slamming me on the bed. I started to kick and scream with everything I had, but it resulted in him hitting me across the face stunning me. This was the first time he has hit me on my face. He didn’t like drawing attention to what he does.
“You should have learned from the started that girls are meant to just lay on their backs.” I turned my head the side the best I could and once again fought to get free. He hit me again making my vision turn dark as he shoved himself hard into me. I started to cry silently. “s-stop please, t-this is not right.” “It is right. You have to learn that someone like you is only meant to pleasure a guy. Nothing more and nothing less.” As he kept moving over me I cried under him. When he was done he landed a few more blows to my face then walked out the room. Rolling to my side once more I started to cry. My body shook hard and I knew I couldn’t take this anymore. Getting out of bed, I changed my clothes and packed a small bag.
I then grabbed my notebook writing my mom a letter telling her everything that Tim has been doing to me. From when she was not home and him drugging her when she was. At the end, I put I was going to my dad and to not look for me and I would call when I was ready. Setting the letter down on my pillow I knew she was going to be the first one to see it. Tim wouldn’t dare come in here after he has done this thing to me. I grabbed the check my dad wrote to cash it then go straight to him. Jumping out the window, I took off down the street to the corner store that I know would cash the check for me. He was a nice old man who doesn’t like Tim at all. I just hoped my dad would want me because if he didn’t then I was as good as dead. Tim put a knife to my throat once saying if I told anyone he would kill me. And I believe him. I felt someone shake my shoulder lightly waking me up, when opening my eyes I found an old lady giving me a kind smile.
Looking around I saw that everyone was already off the Gray Hound. “We are here dear, you don’t want to get left alone.” “Thank you, ma’am,” she nodded then walked off the bus. Standing up stretching as I went, my bones crack even though the bus seats were comfortable. This was the first time in a long time that I have gotten any kind of sleep. Walking off the bus, I looked around to realize that I had no idea where to go. My eyes landed on some cabs. Guess it wouldn’t hurt to just walk up to one. A guy got out grabbing my bags as I neared his cab. “Go ahead and have a seat while I’ll out your bags in the trunk.” I gave a tight smile and got in the car, I knew that not every man was going to be like Tim. But I was scared to even talk to any guy now and that is why I sat next to two old ladies on the bus. I pulled my phone out and looking at the time, it was just a little past ten. I was hoping my dad didn’t work weekends. The door slamming shut made me jump and looked to the cab driver.
He was a young guy but not too young maybe twenty-five or older? “Where to ma’am?” “Umm…6148 East Wicker Lane.” He started to put it in the GPS. Aren’t they suppose to know the city well? Cars and buildings started to whiz by as we started on our way. The town my dad lived in was not too bad it was actually nice. The only thing that bugged me a bit was I saw a lot of bikers. I wanted to get away from scary men not walk right into the path of a thousand bikers and more! Tim still haunted my dreams I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep for a while. What if he comes after me or worse he kills my mom? It didn’t hit me until now, what if she reads the letter and tells Tim, he would kill her. My heart dropped to my stomach when I realized what I just did. I just signed my mom’s death certificate. My eyes started to burn making me look down at my hands.
If he kills my mom I will follow her because I just couldn’t live with myself knowing I was the reason she died. “Ma’am?” “Huh?” “I said we are here.” Looking outside, I saw he was right. Nodding I looked at the meter. Forty dollars, that’s not bad. I pulled out a fifty handing it to him. “Keep the change,” I got out grabbing my bag when he popped the trunk. Looking around my dad’s yard, I saw he had a Hardly out front. Was he a biker? I hope not. I started to the door when I got there I raised my hand about to knock but then dropped my hand. Maybe I should go home back to my mom. She could die because of me, looking over my shoulder only to see the cab driving off. Guess it’s too late now, shaking my hand a bit. I raised my hand again and knocked on the door three times then stepped back. My heart was beating fast in my chest as I wondered how this would go. A few seconds passed by and I was starting to think that maybe he wasn’t home.
Just as I was about to turn away the door opened. A scary looking guy stood in front of me. I was beginning to think that maybe I had the wrong home but then I realized it. This man was my father because he had my eyes and hair color. He was looking at me in shock, at first, I was wondering why. Reasons past through my head. I haven’t seen him in so long because mom forbade it. “Umm…I’m looking for Adam Blake.” My voice was barely above a whisper. Something crossed his eyes making me step back a little because that was the same look Tim got when he was about to hit me. “What happened to your face? Did you mother come with you.” I looked down as I was starting to regret coming here. How could I’ve been so stupid and not hide my bruises on my face? “Catalina, look at me,” I couldn’t look up, I was scared of what I was going to see.
The floor started to blur and before I could stop it a sob left me. I felt a hand reach behind my neck pulling me into a warm body, I dropped my bag wrapping my arms around him. “It’s okay baby. You’re safe now,” He gently rubbed his hand up and down my back as I cried into his shoulder. “C’mon inside so we can talk about what happened.” He pulled away whipping his thumbs under my eyes and suddenly he didn’t seem as scary as I first thought. He bent down picking up my bag then stood to the side letting me in. It had a warm home feeling making me feel safe. The safest I have felt in a long time. Walking into the living room I wasn’t sure what to do, looking over my shoulder at my dad. I found him watching me closely.
Was there something wrong with what I was wearing? Looking at everything I was wearing I guess I did look funny an oversize sweater and sweats. I was in pain as well, so that didn’t help. I heard him step closer and when a hand came to reach for my chin I flinched back. “Sorry,” I whispered. Tim had truly traumatized me so any hand that someone raises at me makes me flinch. “What happened baby?” his voice was softer this time and fatherly. “I can’t stay with mom. I can’t live like that anymore.” I sunk down on his sofa and he walked in front of me pulling the coffee table closer. “Okay, what has been happening at moms?” I didn’t need to look up to know he was mad. “I-I,” the words got stuck in the back of my throat as Tim’s voice come into my mind ‘I will kill you if you tell.’ But he can’t hurt me here not with my dad around.
“T-Tim has been hitting me.” “Tim’s your mom’s husband right?” “Y-yes. He acts all nice around mom but as soon as she goes to work, he turns into a monster. H-he.” The worlds once again got stuck in the back of my throat. Closing my eyes more tears ran down my cheeks. Can I tell my dad that he raped me? That’s something a father never what’s to hear. “He did what baby girl?” Since my eyes were closed I didn’t see him reach for my chin. I opened my eyes only to have his bore into mine. “I need you to trust me,” His voice was strong and steady. But there was that word that scared me half to death…Trust. “He’s been…raping me.” my dad’s body froze, he looked stuck in time as if he was a statue or something. What if my dad doesn’t want me and thinks I’m not worth saving? My mom passed through my mind again what if he kills her.
It scared me enough to shoot up and make for the door “I should go.” And just like that, he was snapped back in time. His eyes turned cold his muscle were rigged. “You’re not going anywhere, you’re my daughter. I had this feeling I should have gone to check this cherry out. If I didn’t like him then I would have took you from your mother on the spot, but I listened to your mother and stayed away. Now look what happened.” He stood from the table reaching into his front pocket. He pulled out his phone looking for something when he found it he put it to his ear. “We got a problem, meet me at my place.” What was the problem? I hope I wasn’t the problem because if I am then I can just go. Watching my dad nodded his head. “Yeah, it’s a pressing matter,” He looked to me. “but don’t bring everyone, might not help my situation at the moment.”
His situation? I thought we were dealing with mine! “Does your mother know you’re here?” “N-no Tim drugged her but I left her a note on my bed. Tim wouldn’t know I’m gone because I stay in my room all the time. When mom’s home she is the only one that goes in there.” I looked at my fingers as I played with them. I was scared this was a bad idea. “This was a bad idea, I should go back to mom’s. He will kill her if he finds out I told her…anyone for the matter.” I started to the door the door once again but stopped when I heard bikes roar outside. “You’re not going anywhere, Catalina. He hurt you and I’m not going to let you go back to that thing.” “You don’t understand, he will kill mom I have to go back!” I tried to walk past him but he wrapped his arms around me. I struggled to get out of his grip and that was when flashes of Tim came flooding in.
I froze in his arms trying to control my breathing. Shutting my eyes tight, I shook my head trying to get the images out my head. It was like my hearing and vision was gone and all I can see was Tim standing over me. “Please, don’t.” “Catalina. No one is going to hurt you here,” I felt finger run through my hair. “Open your eyes and see for yourself, he’s not here baby.” Taking in slow steady breaths, I finally opened my eyes and was met with my dad. It was like a sigh of relief filled me to see that I was indeed at my dad’s. I looked behind him to see three big guys and I didn’t miss that fact that they were bikers. “They’re with me, baby. They’re my brothers.” Brothers? “Catalina, I’m Alexzander Power, president of Dasani MC. Your father has told me a lot about you,” The one talking stepped a little closer. “You have a daughter, how come you never told the club?”
Alexzander turned and smacked the guy over the head. “Whether he has kids or not is not your business, I only knew because I know her mother.” He knows’s my mom? “C’mon baby, let’s get you cleaned up and then get something to eat,” My dad took my hands gently and pulling me up. I don’t ever remember coming to the corner of the living room. He must have let me go once I started to have the panic attack. He led me to the bathroom and turned on the shower for me. “Relax baby okay, if you need me I’ll be in the kitchen,” He pecked the top of my head and walked out the bathroom. I had my back to the mirror because I was scared to look at myself, I knew it had to be bad. I pulled the sweater over my head dropping it to the floor.
Once I had stripped my clothes I stepped in the shower making my breathing hitch. The water was hot and instead of turning the cold water on I kept it on hot. For some odd reason, this didn’t compare to what Tim has done to me. I sank to the tub floor and brought my knees up to my chest. In my heart, I knew I was safe here but my mind is telling me I’m not. How can I live with myself if he kills my mom? Like I said before I would follow her into the afterlife. Does that make me selfish? Would my dad be hurt by my action if I do? How do I deal with this whole situation? But all I know is that I have to save my mom somehow. Adam Seeing my daughter in the state she was in made my blood run cold. I was going to put this son of a bimbo in the ground, no one touches my daughter. No one. My bike roar as I sped down the highway.
Power called Aiden and told him if he was up for a little beat down. We weren’t friends with their club for nothing we had each other’s backs. We also had to make sure that the son of a bimbo didn’t leave town. Finally pulling up in front of the house Aiden and three of his brothers were out front waiting. I gave a quart nod and walked up to the front door. I started to pound on the door and I didn’t stop until it swung open. A guy stood there but I didn’t give him time to reacted I tackled him to the floor and started to pound his face in. My little girl’s scared face crossed my mind filling my anger. “It’s time to learn how it feels to get beaten on, you son of a bimbo!” I sneered as I finally stood up. My chest was rising and falling hard. “Who are you,” He tried to get up but I landed a kick to his stomach making his have a coughing fit. “I’m your worse nightmare, you should have never touched my daughter because now you’re going to know what it feels like to get messed up!” My brothers started laughing behind me but it wasn’t the kind of laugh where this is funny.
No, it was the kind where they knew just how messed up I can be. They don’t call me Blaze for nothing. I can run into a town, a clubhouse, you name it and kill back to back with no mercy. Looking around the room, I saw Ebony limp on the floor. Cursing under my breath, I bent down feeling for a pulse to find she was alive. Catalina will be happy for that. “She’s alive,” Scooping her up in my arms I started a walking to the stairs “Watch him.” Walking into the first bedroom, I found I laid her on the bed and shook my head. If she would have never left me then she wouldn’t be here right now. But club life was not for anyone. Walking out the room I closed the door and stomped down the stairs. It was time to finish this prick was going to put him in a world of pain before I end him. This was going to be the day he takes on someone his own size and find out just how messed up I can be. No one, I repeat no one. Touches my daughter and lives.