Pulled Away Novel – “Her boyfriend and his best friend, half-undressed in a hot tub. Just what any girl wants to come home to.” I mutter, taking them in. Ryan spots me, his face breaking into a smile. I try to return it, but it’s more like a grimace that feels horrible on my face. “I didn’t hear you come in,” Ryan says, a towel tied around his waist. “I bet you didn’t. You’re too busy with your friend who’s drinking my wine in the hot tub I bought. The friend who I strongly suspect is trying to replace me in your life.” “Not this again,” he mutters, and my blood pressure rises. “How many times must I tell you that Hadley’s like a sister to me?” “Really? And are you speaking for the both of you?” “What is that supposed to mean?” Is he really that stupid? “Figure it out, Ryan.” I’m leaving. I don’t want to be here right now.
Aspen Ilove what I do. I truly do. Animals don’t have a voice that can tell you when they’re sick or hurting. They can’t say, “I have this stabbing pain in my stomach that won’t go away, or eating this type of food makes me feel sick.” It’s up to you to figure out what the problem is and treat it. They also don’t have a voice to thank you when you help them, but they don’t need one. You can see it in their eyes. Their eyes hide nothing, and there’s no subterfuge or blame or accusation. It’s the best feeling in the world, seeing the pain change to happiness. But then you get days like today. Days where a dog looks at you with trusting eyes even while you’re administering that last shot, ending the pain that you’re not able to take away. Days where you have to keep it together while watching the beloved pet close their eyes for the final time. It breaks me. Every time.
Not only for the animal but for the owners as well. For the utter devastation on their faces when they say goodbye. That’s when doubts creep in. Is this what I want to do with my life? Am I strong enough to handle the bad? But then I have to remind myself that the good outweighs the bad. So I swallow it down and pray that the next day will be a better day. I stop my car next to Ryan’s, brushing a tear from my cheek. It was hard, but I’ve kept it together all day; but right now, I don’t feel like swallowing it down. What I want is Ryan’s arms around me. Even though I’m angry at him, he’s still my safe space, and I want to get lost in him and the comfort only he can provide me. To be able to break down and not have to stay strong for anyone. Have him be strong for me. It’s so hard having to be strong and comfort someone when all you want is to break down yourself.
I messaged Ryan just before I left, asking him to have a glass of wine ready when I get home. I’ve done this before and he knows it’s my SOS. That I’ve had a hard day, and I’m struggling. “Ryan,” I call out while slipping off my shoes and dropping my bag and keys on the table by the door. He doesn’t answer, so I go looking for him, hoping that for once, he’s alone. Not likely, I mutter, since every day for the last week, Hadley’s been here when I got home. And she’s still as much of a stranger as the first time I met her. She’s consistently shut down any effort I’ve made to get to know her, so I’ve stopped trying, resigning myself that we’ll never be friends. Ryan doesn’t answer, and he’s not in his home office when I check. Feminine laughter rings out, and my heart drops into my stomach. “You should know by now that hope only leads to disappointment, where she’s concerned,” I mutter.
And yes, seems like I’m talking to myself now. My feet dragging, I follow the sound of her laughter and Ryan’s chuckles. My jaw clenches because I’m so, so angry. They’re laughing and having a fantastic time while I’m hurting. Is my anger irrational? Maybe. Ryan doesn’t know I’ve had a bad day, but then, he would have if he bothered to have any contact with me during the day. So, yeah, there goes the comfort I was so desperately needing. I just know it won’t be happening tonight, which gets confirmed when I stop dead in my tracks, my body deflating. “Just what any girl wants to come home to. Her boyfriend and his best friend, half-undressed in a hot tub,” I mutter, taking them in. Ryan’s lounged against the side of the hot tub, holding a beer, and Hadley—she’s in a two-piece from what I can see, her hair in a messy bun, a glass of wine in her hand.
A detached part of me can’t help but admire her breasts. They’re barely covered, and they’re…spectacular. Seeing them together like that—relaxed, not a care in the world—bothers me. A great deal. Why is he out there with her when he’s usually still working at this time? Didn’t he get my message? In a split second, I go from wanting Ryan’s arms around me to wanting to be alone. It feels like there are miles of distance between us, and I don’t want to be in their company. Not after the day I’ve had. Just as I’m about to head to the kitchen so I can grab some wine before hiding in the bedroom, Ryan spots me, his face breaking into a smile. I try to return it, but it’s more like a grimace that feels horrible on my face.
His smile drops, my name dying on his lips when he takes in my expression. He gets up, water streaming down his body, but I don’t wait for him, turning and marching to the kitchen, not caring if I’m being rude. My eyes fall to the nearly empty bottle of wine on the counter, and I have to bite back tears. Really? Is an empty bottle of wine the thing that’s going to tip me over the edge? But it’s my wine that she’s drinking. The one that’s a bittoo sweet for her taste. And it’s my last bottle. Just how long have they been out there? “I didn’t hear you come in,” Ryan says, a towel tied around his waist. I look down at the little pools of water that are dripping from his still-wet body, my hands clenching at my sides. Water that I’ll most probably have to mop up. I bet you didn’t. You’re too busy with your friend who’s drinking my wine in the hot tub I bought. For us.
The friend who only has eyes for you and wants nothing to do with me. The friend who I strongly suspect is trying to replace me in your life. I don’t say that, though. Instead, I school my face into a blank mask and turn to him. “I messaged you when I left.” “You did? Sorry. I left my phone in my office.” “Why do you sound surprised? I usually message you when I leave work.” It’s something he insisted I do. For his peace of mind. “I’m sorry. I lost track of time.” Time is not the only thing you lost track of. Sighing, I let my eyes linger on the bottle, trying to beat down the helpless feeling bubbling in my stomach. Everything that’s been going on is not okay, and I’m at a complete loss for how to navigate this situation. None of my previous relationships prepared me for this situation because none of them were serious enough for me to invest all of myself. Beyond the initial heartbreak of a failed relationship, they were easy to walk away from. Not Ryan.
Losing him would break me. I don’t know how to voice what I’m feeling in a way that he’ll understand. I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll come across as insecure, insensitive, and selfish. Paranoid. He said she’s like a sister, but the way she looks at him and touches him—it’s nothing like his relationship with Rose. Rose isn’t territorial about him. She doesn’t touch him every chance she gets. She doesn’t cuddle with him. All these things have my gut screaming at me, and I’d be stupid to ignore it. I’m scared. The thought stops me cold. It’s not only the fear that I’ll sound unreasonable. It’s the fear that he’ll take her side over mine. Fear that he cares more for her than me. I want my mom. Nobody in the world loved me as much as she did, and I want her to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. My heart aches as the pain of losing her overwhelms me once more.
When does losing someone you love stop hurting? “Aspen.” The sound of Ryan’s voice pulls me from this spiral I’m in, and I turn, finding his concerned eyes on me. “What?” “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” Everything. “Don’t lie.” He steps closer, trying to wrap his arms around me, but I step back. “Sorry, I don’t want to get wet.” My excuse is flimsy at best, and his frown tells me he knows it. “What’s going on?” “I’ve just had a hard day at work, okay? All I wanted was to come home, have a glass of wine, and spend time with you.” “What happened?” Concern furrows his brow, and instead of the concern soothing me, it irritates me. Let’s do that.
Let’s focus on the minor issue, completely ignoring the bigger one. “It doesn’t matter.” I sigh, running through options in my head. Never before have I needed space from Ryan, but now I do. Space to process everything I’m feeling, and to get a grip on my emotions. But I’m conflicted. I don’t want to leave them alone. Doing that feels dangerous. Not that it will make a difference. They’re together all day while I’m at work. That decides it for me, and I make my way back to the front door to collect my bag and keys. “Where are you going?” “Out for a bit,” I mutter, trying to ignore his heat at my back. He grabs my arm. “Aspen. What is going on? You just got here.” I shrug, my demeanor a lot calmer than the churning going on inside my stomach.
“And now I’m leaving. I don’t want to be here right now.” “What, Aspen? I’m confused. What happened between this morning and now?” Okay, if he wants to do this now, I’ll spell it out for him. “I had a horrible day at work. I had to assist Julia with an euthanasia. And then I come home to find the two of you in the hot tub. How would you feel if you came home after a hard day only to find me drinking in the hot tub with Carter or Nathan?” His mouth opens, and I sigh again when it settles into a stubborn line. “It’s not the same.” “How? How is it not the same? Hadley’s single. Carter’s single. Nathan’s single. From where I’m standing, it’s exactly the same.” Looking up, I take a deep breath. I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with this tonight.
“Those boundaries I told you I was worried about? This isn’t just crossing them, Ryan. This is you pole vaulting over them.” “Not this again,” he mutters, and my blood pressure rises. “I get that you’ve had a hard day, but don’t make this bigger than it is. How many times must I tell you that Hadley’s like a sister to me?” “Really? I’m being unreasonable because I had a hard day? And are you speaking for the both of you?” “What is that supposed to mean?” Is he really that stupid? “Figure it out, Ryan.”