Something Gained Novel – I’m pregnant. A stranger woman knocked my house and said to my husband. “what?” His voice sounded shocked with a touch of excitement. “Im pregnant, and its your baby” she reiterated. A very audible gasp came from my mouth, I felt as though I was losing my breath and the world was collapsing on top of me. “T..-Tanner” I forced his name out of my mouth, as much as I couldn’t breathe I needed to hear it from him. “Oh my gosh, this is amazing!” he nearly shouted “Wait for me in the car, I will be right there” Tanner spoke happily as he kissed this stranger, to me, on the forehead and she turned to her car “Tanner…w-what is going…on?” I took deep breaths in between my words, trying not to let myself faint. He quickened his pace towards the bedroom, he pulled out a suitcase from the closet and began to put his things in it. “Tanner! speak to me!” “Rachel. listen im sorry. you know that I’ve wanted a family, and you just can’t give me that. ” “A child, I’m finally going to have a child” his large smile took over his entire face, as i felt my heart literally exploding in my own body.
“I’m sorry Mrs Knight, but by the looks of the results of the tests we ran it doesn’t look like you are going to be able to conceive naturally” How is this happening? As I sit in this cold doctors office, on this stupid cold patient bed, my entire life has been flipped upside down. “babe are you okay?” my husbands voice pulls me out of my thoughts “I’ll give you a few minutes, whenever you’re ready come on out and we will get you checked out” Doctor Rivera has been so sympathetic during this process “Rach, you’ve been zoned out. Are you okay?” Tanner and I have been married for 3 years now, I was 22 the day we got married, so young and full of hope for our future. We have been trying to get pregnant since pretty much the day after our wedding. 3 years of negative pregnancy tests, heart ache, tears and a ton of testing all to find out that im pretty much infertile.
Now I know what you’re thinking, there are so many options to have a family, and yes you would be right. Science has advanced tremendously and there are many roads that we can go down in order to have our family, but all of these roads come with a large price tag, a price tag that we can’t really afford right now. It will take so much saving to be able to start our family and that not only stresses me out but is also incredibly disappointing. “Rach, we are going to be okay” Tanners warm hand running back and forth on my back one again pulled me out of my thoughts “I just…cant…believe this” I managed to push out those few words as my heart continued to break “Lets go home babe, we will figure this out” He helped me off the patient bed and held my hand as we made our way to the check out By this point I had made it to my bedroom and had plopped down on the bed, I want to get up and do something that will take my mind off of the doctors appointment but no matter how much I yell at my brain to move my arms and legs, i just can’t. My body won’t move, I feel almost numb.
I hear Tanner walk in the house and set his keys down on the hallway table, as I lay there I can hear his footsteps making his way to the living room. He’s not going to come lay with me? I hear the tv click on and the loud cheering of thousands of crazed football fans begin to fill the empty space. I guess not.. I guess I can’t blame him, he must be hurt too..or maybe he thinks that I just need space, which I guess isn’t too bad. He has been keeping his distance a lot lately, but I think that’s his way of coping with the news we have been getting. “ugh” I scoff as I lift my hands to rub my puffy eyes I can’t sit here and mope forever. I mean I probably can but I shouldn’t. I gr oan as I roll over in bed and look at the picture frame on my nightstand. Ive had this picture there since we moved into this house together. I couldn’t help but smile back and the picture of Tanner in I, him in his football uniform and me in my cheerleader outfit. We were the typical high school couple, a jock and a cheerleader.
We started dating when we were 15, and even back then I knew that I wanted to marry him. The sparkle in our eyes in that picture break my heart, the sparkle of hope and happiness that has slowly dulled out only in the past year. How is it that a love story so beautiful and so intricately written for the past 10 years has suddenly turned dark and sad? “Hey Rach, Kevin is coming over later” Tanner shouted from the bathroom “actually some of the guys might come too” I poured my coffee creamer into the dark bean water, as my best friend would call it, making it turn a soft brown “what for?” its only been a few days since our doctors appointment and slowly I’ve began to normalize again, but Tanner seems to have recovered faster..but guys always do right? “Just a barbecue, I figured it would be nice to have our friends over” by that statement im assuming the girlfriends are coming too “I was thinking hamburgers?” “That sounds fun. Did you need me to go buy anything?” I asked before taking a sip of my warm coffee, letting the warmth soothe my raspy morning throat.
“No I’ll run and get everything for you” he finally came out of the bathroom, teeth all brushed and hair all done “you can prepare the snacks and fixings while I grill the burgers” he cracked a smile at me as he grabbed my coffee cup out of my hand taking a sip himself “hey!” I crossed my arms and made a poutty face, he winked at me before placing the cup back in my hand and kis sing my cheek “ill be back soon babe” he whispered in my ear before placing another peck on my cheek and turning around to walk out the door “where is Tanner?” Alisha asked as she walked into my room Its already 12:30 pm, he left to the store at 10:00 am. I figured he would be back sooner “just picking up food for the barbecue” I responded as I finished curling the last strand of hair, Alisha jumped on the bed behind me, staring at me through the mirror that I was facing “what?” I glared back at her “He’s been leaving you alone a lot lately” she placed her hand under her chin to hold her head up, she blinked a few times, something she did when she was trying to hint something to me. I know what she thinks, why would he leave me alone while im most vulnerable. Quite honestly I have been asking myself the same thing but I don’t want to upset him.
I know Im not the only one struggling right now and I really think he’s just trying to find a way to cope “That’s not true Leesha” I spoke as I reached towards my makeup bag to apply some makeup on my face before Tanner got home and I had to get up and get everything ready “Rach, don’t try to cover for him. He hasn’t been supportive during all of this. I feel like I’ve been with you more than he has lately..” she kicked her legs over and sat up on the bed “he’s trying to cope Leesha, and so am I. We are figuring things out” I ignored her piercing eyes and continued applying some light eyeshadow on my eyes “whatever you say Rachel..” She laid back on the bed and turned on the tv “i just don’t want you to get hurt more than you already are” she clicked through the channels trying to find something to watch knowing well that there is nothing good on at this time on a Sunday “I know Alisha, and I think we will be okay once we get passed these first few days” I know that I’m trying to convince myself just as much as I’m trying to convince her I just have no other explanation I slipped the soft red striped dress on my body as I heard Tanner coming in the door, I glanced over to the clock. 1:00 Its been a while since he left.
“Rach Im home!” he announced his arrival as if I couldn’t hear him walk in “Coming babe, just putting on my shoes!” I glanced through my shoes, wedges might be a little much since im going to be on my feet a lot today. I settled on my all white adidas “Cute outfit Rach!” Alisha finally peeled her eyes of watching Ridiculousness to look at my outfit “cute but comfy, I love it” I smiled and winked at her “come on” I pulled her off of the bed, mostly so that she can help me prepare the snacks and condiments for the burgers “but its at the good part!” she fought back as I dragged her down the hall to her doom She hated being in the kitchen so doom is definitely the right word “What took you so long babe?” I caught Tanner before he stepped out the door the the back patio “Oh, I ran into a friend at the store and was catching up with him. I lost track of time, he’s actually going to be coming later” he smiled as he made his way out the door I made my way to the kitchen island where Tanner left everything and started pulling items out of the bags to get everything ready “doesn’t sound like a good enough excuse to me” Alisha whispered as her arm brushed up against mine due to how close she was “not today Alisha, people are going to start showing up soon and I want my mind clear” I gave her a side eye, hoping she got the hint She raised her hands in defense and took a step back towards the sodas and began to help me place them in the fridge. Good thing she didnt fight it today, I really don’t need to be annoyed and have to pretend to be perfectly fine in front of everyone.
People slowly started arriving to the barbecue, Tanner has always been very friendly so he has a lot of friends. Luckily a lot of them have girlfriends or fiancé’s so the girls hangout while the guys talk football and drink. “I love that outfit on you Rach, I would give anything for your body” I turned and smiled at Lori, she’s the fiancé to one of Tanners close friends, Robert. “thank you” I took a drink of the home made sangria that Alisha helped me make “I agree, your body is to die for girl” and with that the rest of the girls began to chime in and compliment my so called “nice body” So nice that it can’t do one of the main things its made to do, grow a child. Not now, I can’t do this now. Its a compliment I have to talk myself out of my own bad thoughts sometimes, some days its harder than others “thanks girls” I shifted my body weight to my right leg, popping out my left hip to accentuate my curves trying to make myself feel confident “im going to make sure the guys don’t need anything” I walked away from the gossip and chatter and made my way to the back patio, as I stepped out on the deck I turned to look for Tanner and I made eye contact with someone new. He had dark brown hair, beautiful hazel eyes and an attractive figure.
His t-shirt hugged his body in a way that accentuated his muscular body. He noticed me looking at him and shot me a smile. “whats up Rach” Tanner walked up next to me and snapped me out of the trance that guy put me in. Thank God he did because I almost forgot what I came out here for “just came to see if anyone needed anything” I turned to Tanner so that it would be obvious that I was staring at his friend “actually can you bring my friend Damon a drink?” who is Damon? Tanner turned to look at the exact guy that I was having a stare off with “what do you want to drink dude?” he walked over to, Damon I guess, and playfully backhanded his arm to get him out of the conversation he was in Damon turned to look at me again, the way his eyes met mine sent butterflies in my stomach. Something I hadn’t had in a while, unfortunately. “Anything is fine with me” he ran his fingers through his shiny hair, pushing it to the back of his head “whats your favorite drink?” he moved his head gesturing towards me, waiting for an answer “umm, I like squirt. I can bring you one of those” I almost blurted out the sentence He raised his brows a bit before responding “sounds good to me” he smirked “You know what, im so rude..”
Tanner began filling the silence “I didn’t introduce you” His head turned back and forth between his friend and I “Rachel, this is Damon. He’s a childhood best friend..” He smiled at me almost angrily “Damon, this is my wife” “ohh” Damon spoke softly, his voice was almost non-existent. he dropped his head down facing his feet and smirked before pulling his head back up to face me and smile “its nice to meet you Rachel” he extended his hand out to greet me, his dimples making an appearance “likewise” I shook his hand as I admired his jawline “ill go get that drink for you” I pulled my hand back beside me, turned on my heals and walked inside to get him a drink wow “have you girls seen the new guy” the gossip continued as I walked back inside after taking more drinks to the guys “he is such a hottie” Alisha spoke as she fanned herself as to demonstrate just how hot she thought he was “he’s definitely not hard on the eyes” one of the girls continued the conversation “what do you think Rach?”
Lori asked, everyone seemed to turn to me to see what I would say “I mean, I guess..” I tried to not make it obvious that I thought he was attractive “Oh come on Rach, you have eyes. You can say someone looks attractive” Alisha pushed, she knows me well enough to know when im holding back I shrugged as the girls continued talking about him “im going to the bathroom” I announced before making my way to the bathroom. I washed my hands with fresh cold water, its pretty warm out today and something about keeping my hands cold helps me keep cool. Its been that way all my life, if my hands are warm I feel warmer, and if they’re cold I feel cooler. I looked at myself in the mirror, fixing a few strands of her that had gone crazy. I stopped and starred at myself, at my hair, my face, my body. I couldn’t help but think negatively about myself, not at my physical appearance but my body in itself. I can’t keep thinking like this I pulled my dress down a bit, fluffed my hair a little and pulled my phone out to see what time it is as I walked out of the bathroom I stopped when I ran into someone and felt a hand on my waist keeping me from falling backwards “Oh im so sorry..” I looked up and locked eyes with the warm hazel eyes that had caught my attention earlier “Hi Rachel” “Hey, sorry about that. I wasn’t paying attention”
I pulled back from him, creating space between us so that if anyone happened to walk by it wouldn’t look bad. “its totally fine” he smiled reassuringly “okay..” I started talking before I even knew what I wanted to say “ill just, uh…get back to the party” I gestured towards the area everyone was at and slowly began walking away As I turned towards the kitchen I glanced down the hallway, he stood there at the door with a brow raised as he still looked towards me. He smiled again when we made eye contact, before walking into the bathroom as he intended to do before I ran into him. wow The sun beamed through the blinds landing directly over my eyes, waking me from my slumber. I rubbed the sleepy away from my eyes and sat up in the bed, I looked over and noticed Tanner was gone already. He mentioned he was going into work earlier than normal every so often to catch up on work. He works as a car salesman at our local Toyota, normally we wake up around the same time but I guess today was an early day for him. My alarm went off, snapping me out of my sleepy thoughts.
I tend to wake up before my alarm goes off, even if by a few minutes I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to wash my body before getting ready for work. “Hi Rachel” His deep yet soft voice kept replaying in my head, something about the way he said my name excited me. Lately the heat between Tanner and I began dying down, and I can’t help but think its my fault. Not literally my fault, but due to whats been going on with my health. Saying it like that makes it seem like im really ill, but I can’t think of a different way to say it. I feel like my infertility issues have been causing a strain on our relationship..and thats with the fact that we still don’t know exactly what is going on. I know that i have polycystic ovaries which causes hormonal imbalances, but the doctors say that it rarely causes full blown infertility. With everything going on lately I haven’t felt that spark with Tanner, we haven’t really enjoyed being intimate anymore. It seems more like a chore now, a chore because somehow we know that its being done to try to get something out of it without any success.
Plus continuous office visits adds a financial strain. without noticing I had finished my shower and was already at my closet semi-browsing through my clothes. I have to dress nicely, even on days that I don’t feel like it, its part of the gig when working as a bank teller. The most relaxed I can dress is business casual. I finally settled on black skinny pants, a white ribbed crop with my pink blazer over top and some undressed heels to tie it all together. Since I didnt wash my hair today I still had some curl left from yesterday, so I threw my hair up in a high pony. I threw on some light makeup and made my way to the kitchen to make my coffee for the drive. 5:00 couldn’t come fast enough, Mondays normally go faster since people are trying to get in here if they missed us the few hours we were open on Sunday. I’ve been working with Bank of America for almost 3 years now, so luckily i get seniority when it comes to days off, so I only work Monday through Friday 9:00 to 5:00.
Its only 2:30 and I feel like it should be 7:00 already with how dreadful today has been. The manager even let some people go home early today, so its just me and my friend Drew here until we close. Normally Drew and I would goof around when no one is here but he’s helping an elderly couple with something and they can’t seem to say goodbye to him He sneaks a glance over to me in between their conversation and I let out a small chuckle at his boredom. He’s too nice to tell them to leave, and if he did he would be just as bored anyway so might as well kill time talking to them. I started roaming through pinterest to kill some time when I heard the door open, I looked over ready to do my regular ‘welcome in, I can help you right here’ spiel when I recognized those hazel eyes “Oh hey Rachel, I didnt know you worked here” Damon spoke as he made his way over to my window “Hey, yeah we haven’t gotten to know each other well enough yet” I smiled at him while I caught a peek at his ubber cute dimples “How come I’ve never seen you around, or met you before” I genuinely was curious as to why he’s never been around, I’ve been with Tanner for nearly 10 years and haven’t seen Damon once.
“I moved away around middle school, Tanner and I were best friends, even after i was gone” he propped his elbows onto the counter “I just got back to San Diego a few weeks ago” a smile appeared on his face again “Oh where did you move to?” I guess I might as well kill some time while he’s here “Houston, My dad moved out there for business that has been handed down to me and I ended up opening up a club there. It was a huge hit so I decided I would open one down here too and see how it went” “I’m guessing that’s why you’re here” I smiled at him and minimized my browser screen to help him out with what he needed “Yes, just opening up a business account..” he reached down to grab his wallet “and who better to help than you” he winked at me as he pulled out the information he knew I would need There are those dang butterflies again Damon stuck around for a while and talked with me, and by a while I mean over an hour. He said he didnt have anything else to do so we just got to know each other.
I told him about how Tanner and I met, about how we ended up dating, I even told him about the issues we’ve been having lately. I don’t know why I mentioned it but I felt like I needed another opinion besides my best friend, who no matter how much she says she won’t be biased, always is biased. “well, honestly im surprised you tied him down, I always knew him to be a player. He would always text me about various girls that he was into” without noticing my head jolted back at what he said “oh” was all that came out “I mean I don’t think he’s like that now…” he scratched the back of his neck “I mean like back in high school” “oh?” my tone changed a bit, I literally just told him that we started dating in high school..so he just dug himself deeper “I mean I dont think you were together at that time” he cleared his throat, obviously finding himself in a corner “well he’s been distant lately, I can’t help but feel like its my fault you know?”
I cupped my cheek in my hand, leaning onto the counter “I see where you’re coming from, but don’t blame yourself. He’s a lucky guy to have you beside him” I could feel my cheeks turning red, I haven’t blushed in what feels like months “aghemm” Drew cleared his throat, making me look over at the time and realizing its already 4:50 “Oh wow, its closing time for us” I jolted up in excitement “thank you for helping me pass the time” I smiled at him as I began to shut down my browsers “It was a pleasure to keep a beautiful girl company” he bowed and winked at me as he grabbed his things and made his way to the door. He stopped halfway through the door and looked back at me over his shoulder “Bye Rachel” I waved goodbye as he closed the door behind him Did it get hot in here? “Tanner??” I called out as I walked into the house No response I was expecting him to be home by now, I mean its 6:00 pm. I pulled out my phone and decided to sent him a text before i got dinner started Where are you babe?
I walked into the kitchen and started pulling out ingredients to make Lasagna, I have been wanting some lasagna for a while now. As I began putting the lasagna together my phone dinged, it was Tanner At the gym, ill be home soon My gut was giving me a weird feeling but I couldn’t tell if it was guilt from the butterflies I was getting with Damon. I mean I haven’t felt those since Tanner and I first got married. Being the paranoid person I am checked to see if his location was on, that way I can ease my mind. Its off Alisha has been getting to me, Ive never been one to doubt Tanner or question his honesty, but the talks Alisha and I have been having have brought up a few questions. I brushed it off and continued making the lasagna, applying each layer carefully so that not only will it tase good, it’ll look good too. I popped the lasagna in the oven, set the timer and went into the bedroom to change into comfortable clothes. I was going to stay in this outfit until Tanner came home to see what he thought of it but decided against it. By the time the lasagna was done Tanner was walking into the house with his gym bag in hand.
“hey babe, how was the gym” I walked up to him and leaned in to give him a peck, he turned his head a bit and I ended up pecking his cheek Did he do that on purpose? “It was good, the usual” he set his gym back on the floor in the living room “smells good in here” He stuck his nose into the air smelling the delicious blend of cheese and tomato sauce “I made lasagna for dinner” I forced a smile, feeling once again that he was being distant “Oh yum, save me a piece for lunch tomorrow. Im not hungry now” he yawned as he walked to the bedroom “I think im going to bed” he disappeared down the hallway I dragged my feet as I walked into the kitchen, somehow my appetite was gone. I wrapped up the lasagna and put it away for tomorrow. I reached for a glass of drink and plopped down on the couch to unwind for the night. I turned on Friends and sat back with my drink, trying to drown out my thoughts and emotions. My lids getting heavier with each episode until eventually sleep overcame me I opened my eyes to the sun shining into the bedroom. Bedroom? How did I get here? I looked around and again Tanner was gone.
I sighed, sitting up in bed waiting for my alarm to go off so that I can get started with my morning routine. I guess I could start a few minutes early but my body wouldn’t move. Eventually my alarm rang, signaling for me to get up. I dragged myself out of bed and walked to the bathroom to once again wash my body and brush my teeth. As for what to wear to work today I grabbed a black body suit and paired it with a white pencil skirt that had thin black checkered lines on it. Threw on some black heals and applied my makeup, topping it off with red lipstick to add some color. I looked at myself in the mirror, looking at my body, only wishing that my belly was growing a baby. I know I can’t keep bringing myself down like this but its really hard not to, especially when my husband is being so distant towards me. I feel like I’ve failed him. I snapped myself out of my thoughts and quickly made a coffee and was out the door. Another slow day at work, this time I left before 5:00 pm leaving Drew with Betty. She’s a sweet older lady who started working there a while back, she had bank experience so she was hired on pretty quick.
Compared to the rest of us though she was a bit of a talker, she would go off on tangents about random things that interested her or things from back in her day. Super sweet lady but the guys never liked being left alone with her. I chuckled as I waved by to Drew and laughing at him rolling his eyes to another story about Betty’s teenage years. I got home and Tanner was actually home, excited to see him I hurried inside and set my stuff down. He was in the living room watching football as he normally does “Hey T, how was work?” I bent over the couch and hugged his neck from behind, kis sing his cheek in the process “pretty slow, I couldn’t wait to get home” he ran his fingers through his hair, something he tended to do when he was overwhelmed or frustrated “what about you?” he looked over his shoulder at me as I walked into the kitchen to heat up the lasagna from last night I kind of hoped that he would mention something about me looking nice today, its been a while since i got a compliment from him “Not too bad” I smiled “its pretty slow too so that’s why I’m home early”
A knock at the door distracted me from what I was doing “Ill get it” I announced as I walked towards the door Standing at the door was a woman, She had short blonde hair and a nice petite figure like mine. “Hi” I smiled at the woman, waiting for her to say what she was here for “Hi, I’m looking for Tanner?” she asked hesitantly “May I ask what this is in regards to?” I’m curious as to why there’s a random woman at our door asking for my husband “I just really need to speak with him” she pushed avoiding my question “Lisa?” Tanner walked up behind me, I’m assuming he heard the conversation and made his way over to see what was going on Wait…why does he know her name?