With All That I Am Novel – He couldn’t hide the fact that he was cheating because I saw it with my own eyes. I saw Caleb walking out with his hand on the hips of some woman I had never seen before. What with him spending the last few nights with me, how I was kicked out of his bed last night. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes. I loved him so much. The only downside was Caleb not being in love with me and always banging other women. Caleb made it so I wasn’t allowed to sleep with any of the other brothers, only him. When that happened I thought it meant that we were exclusive. Apparently, I was wrong.
Maddison “Oh god, oh god, oh god! Harder Cal, I need it harder!” I yelled as I threw my head back. Instantly I felt his hands dig into my hips and he began thrusting harder and faster into me. I also felt one hand move from my hip and move to where I needed it, then a finger started pushing and circling. That’s when I lost it and panted my way through my climax. But Caleb didn’t let up, he kept riding me until he reached his own. Only then did he slow and drop his weight onto my back until I collapsed on his bed. We stayed in that position for what seemed like hours. Unfortunately, he eventually rolled off of me and moved to the bathroom that was attached to his room. I took the time alone to feel some hope about my situation. You see, a little over a year ago, Caleb made it so I wasn’t allowed to sleep with any of the other brothers, only him.
When that happened I thought it meant that we were exclusive. Not just me. Apparently I was wrong because 3 days later, he had one of the other club girls in his bed and I was left feeling confused and hurt. Eventually, one of the other club girls that had been around for a while took me aside and explained it to me. So, I’ve spent the last year getting my heart kicked around with steel toed boots. But I had to keep reminding myself that no matter how much it hurt and how much I wanted to leave sometimes (and I was beginning to want to leave a lot more often) that I needed people at my back and Chaos was a good group to have.
I also really loved Caleb, which was really hard to do since he was constantly with other women and I had to be the compound every night/ every morning to see it all go down. I had to be there at nights in case Caleb wanted me and I had to be there every morning to see to the clean up from the night before, cooking a quick breakfast for the boys and some other chores. This was another way I made so the club would take my back, I started taking care of them. Making it so if I was gone, they would all feel it, not just Caleb. This plan worked, the guys liked that I was willing to do all that stuff for them and it made them more loyal to me and I was able to establish a friendship with each of the men. The only down side was Caleb not being in love with me and always banging other women.
I was taken out of my thoughts about the situation I had gotten myself in when Caleb strolled out of the bathroom with a wash cloth and tossed it to me. I froze a little bit at this actions. The past 3 nights Caleb had wanted to be with me and whenever we were done banging, he would always clean between my legs for me. I loved when he did, it felt intimate and made me feel cared for. Tonight was the fourth night in a row we had been together and now he was just tossing the washcloth at me? What was going on? “When you’re all done cleaning up you can head out doll. Tomorrow you can make some waffles for all the boys.” He said, not even looking at me as he did. This made me freeze more. He had me stay overnight with him all this week (which I loved and thought it meant something). Now I was being kicked out of his bed without a second glance.
In that instant, my heart clenched and when it released, I felt it break into pieces. I pushed off the bed and got dressed as quickly as possible, not looking or speaking to Caleb. When I finished tugging on the heels I wore that night, the battle I was fighting against tears, came to an end because they started falling silently down my cheek. I brushed them away and practically ran from the room. I should have taken a look back because I would have seen Caleb watching me, catching me crying, and seen the look on his face. But I didn’t. I got out of there and headed to my truck. I made it to my one bedroom apartment, closed the door and leaned against it, tears still streaming down my face. I slid down the door and just sat there on the floor, the only light coming from the kitchen.
My cat Batman jumped off the couch and made his way to me, pushing into my lap and rubbing his face against my jaw. I smiled a little at him, picked him and myself off the floor and walking down the hall to my room. I had only been in Imperial Beach for a couple of months when I was walking into my building and I heard a noise. You would have thought previous experiences would have taught me not to go investigating noises at night, but apparently not, so I went to look and saw a large black cat with his paw stuck between a couple of rocks. I moved the rocks and picked him up, tucking him close to my chest.
The fat cat relaxed into my touch and began purring. I knew then that I couldn’t leave him and he was obviously a street cat, so I brought him in with me and he’s been mine ever since. I loved him. Dumping Batman onto the bed, I walked into my attached bathroom and started getting ready for bed. It was already after midnight and I had to be up early to go back to the compound to see to breakfast then start my day then go back to the compound for a party they were throwing that night. The tears had stopped since getting home but my eyes were red and puffy. I stopped wiping my makeup off and stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t take much more of this. I hated myself for putting up with it for this long. I was going to have to talk with Caleb, keeping myself protected wasn’t worth what I was putting myself through. I nodded my head, making the decision that I was going to talk to Caleb this week and I hoped he was willing to give us a shot, a shot without those other women involved.
I turned my head toward the door to the compound and I saw Caleb walking out with his hand on the hips of some woman I had never seen before. I couldn’t take it anymore. What with him spending the last few nights with me, how I was kicked out of his bed last night and how he acted this morning, my heart just couldn’t take this blow. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes. I jumped up from the chair startling everyone in the group and ran from the party. I knew in the back of my head I shouldn’t drive in the emotional state I was in (especially since I could barely see through the tears) but I couldn’t make myself stop. I tore through town and ran to my apartment. Once in the safety of my living room, I broke down. Dropping to the floor and letting out the sobs I had been holding back for two years. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t put the chance that I might need protection above how I was being treated now. So I cried for all that I had endured at Caleb’s thoughtless behavior and all I stood to lose with the conversation we were going to have. Distantly, I heard a knocking on my door.
Then I heard some faint scraping and suddenly my door opened revealing Ryder and Grace. “Oh sweety. No, don’t do this. I love my brother and I want the two of you together but he doesn’t get this from you. Let’s get you up and into bed.” They both came to me and Ryder picked me up bridal style and walked through the apartment until he found my room. He sat me on the bed and Grace followed in holding Batman in her arms. Once she was with me Ryder pecked the top of my head and said, “You’ll be ok honey.” And he left the room. “Get out of those clothes and come lay down.” Grace said picking up my pajamas from the other night. I nodded mutely, tears still falling down my cheeks. I walked into the bathroom, took off my makeup and got ready for bed. All without looking in the mirror. I couldn’t stand to look at myself right then.
When I was finished I walked back into my room. Grace was instantly up and pulled me to my bed and tucked me in. Even putting Batman right beside me. “What do you want on? I’ll put your TV on so you can watch something to distract you until you fall asleep.” “Put in whatever. I don’t care right now.” I said in a low voice. Because I didn’t, I didn’t really care about anything at the moment. Grace looked at me with sadness in her eyes but she just nodded, found some random show and put the remote on the nightstand by my head.
Then she leaned down and squeezed my hand, “It’ll be on Maddi. I’ll be over in the morning with Harper and we’ll get some breakfast. Ok?” I nodded, just wanting her to leave me alone. She looked like she wanted to say more but she thought better of it, turned off the light and left. I laid here for a while, listening half heartily to the TV before I fell into a restless sleep asking myself why I couldn’t be enough for Caleb because he was more than enough for me.